What does she owe to ex?

Dear Amy: For several years I had been unhappy with my husband’s defensiveness and hair- trigger irritability he had shown since our younger days ( we are in our early 70s), but I decided to stick with him after he was diagnosed with a potentially debilitating condition.

After being berated for unjust reasons ( such as the look on my face), I pulled away but still made nice dinners, exchanged ideas about books, etc.

He announced he was going to start “dating.” He told me he had already signed up for an online matching site.

I told him in that case I wanted a divorce, and I wasn’t interested in working on salvaging the marriage.

To my surprise, he met someone almost immediately yet still expected me to live cordially with him.

The situation was extremely stressful, and I wanted him to leave the home immediately. After six months, he moved out.

The divorce was finalized recently and now he expects me to be his friend, which I have no intention of doing.

Our adult children feel distant from him for their own reasons.

Now he feels lonely and blames me for the situation.

I’m happier being on my own but feel confused about how to have stronger boundaries. His health is still good, so that isn’t an issue.

Do I have any responsibility toward him? Am I too empathetic? I feel like a fool.

Foolish

Dear Foolish: Your divorce severed your legal and emotional obligations toward your ex- husband. If this is truly what you want, even temporarily, you have the right to cut all ties with him.

If he had wanted to stay friends with you, he should have treated you more like a friend when you needed his friendship the most, as the marriage was ending.

The most important reason for couples to maintain a cordial relationship after a divorce is to protect the emotional connection with the children you share.

Your children can try to maintain their own emotional ties with their father.

Your ex- husband’s loneliness is his own burden to manage. Your job now is to decide what you want. You could convey your boundaries by explaining them and then adhering to these boundaries by refusing to be manipulated.

In time, you two may relax into a friendlier relationship, but your role in any relationship with him will be up to you.

Dear Amy: My sister, 50, has been divorced for 15 years. She met a nice man who moved in with her after a week and proposed last week ( two months later).

They are now planning a wedding sometime around Christmas.

We are in a state with rising COVID cases. I’m anxious about bringing my family to attend her wedding.

She maintains it’s my decision whether to attend.

It will be in her large home with 30 or so guests.

I hate to miss her wedding and I hate to disappoint her and my parents, who all seem to have limited COVID caution or care, but it seems irresponsible in a pandemic.

I’m certain there will be no social distancing or masks. What should I do?

The Cautious Sister

Dear Cautious: Your sister is giving you an out. Take it.

Ask if the couple would be willing to livestream their wedding via Facetime or another app. All it would take is a connection and a phone set up on a tripod.