Time to pay his own way

Dear Amy: I am a 35- yearold woman. I am eight years older than “Steve,” my boyfriend of 2 1⁄ years.

2 We seem like a great f it except that he owes me quite a bit of money and seems hesitant to pay me back.

We decided to split our shared expenses: food, travel and rent. Because I end up managing most of the details of our life, his bill is creeping higher and higher.

When he offered to keep track of expenses, he fumbled the ball and lost track, so it became my job again.

I don’t earn a lot of money but I am very good at saving.

I treat him to a meal out here and there but I can’t afford to pay for both of us all the time. Often if we are out, there will be an issue with his card, or he has no cash, so it goes onto his “bill.”

I’ve told him I would like him to pay me back in a more timely manner.

He will reimburse me part of what he owes me, but then months go by before he pays me again.

He works and has enough to pay for his expenses.

His parents are wealthy and pay for his phone bill, car insurance and online accounts and manage his bank account for him.

I have been on my own since my early 20s. I love him and need to find an effective way to address this issue. I don’t want to be a nag.

Sugar Mama

Dear Mama: If Steve wants to become a functioning adult, you can try to inspire him to approach this issue not as his loan officer but as his partner.

You two should commit to a weekly meeting to review your joint expenses and settle up. You might agree to the concept of “paying yourselves first,” by each contributing an equal amount toward your joint expenses. You should look at lifestyle choices and changes you can make to cut your expenses.

I appreciate the work of Dave Ramsey ( Daveramsey . com), whose radio show, podcast and books feature good advice and inspiring stories of people who have busted their debt and changed their habits. ( His site offers free resources.)

The real question is one of motivation. If Steve wants to remain an overgrown man- boy who is reliant on others to pay his way, then you should take a hard look at the relationship.

Dear Amy: I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years. I love his family.

His brother got married last spring. I couldn’t be happier for him and his wife, but their choice of how to share news is in poor taste.

My husband and I found out about his engagement last year via text message, and then that they were rescheduling their wedding.

Last month we found they were expecting their first child — again via text.

I believe they could at least give us a call to share this news. The rest of my husband’s family says the message matters more than the way it is conveyed.

To me it feels disrespectful and f lippant. I was raised to call family members with life- changing news, whether it be joyous or sorrowful.

This has created a rift. I’m at a loss.

Luddite in Nebraska

Dear Luddite: Yes, it feels good to be contacted in a more “personal” way with big news, but these people are not obligated to behave the way you were raised. I agree with your in- laws about this, and if you let your judgment about them create a rift in the family, then your own poor taste far outweighs theirs.