Truth or consequences?

Dear Amy: My mother died almost 21 years ago.

On the 20th anniversary of her death, I was reflecting on her life, our relationship, and the ripples it sent through my life. For better or worse, I posted my thoughts on Facebook. Our relationship had some huge ups and downs. She was a difficult person at times, and she said and did some pretty miserable things to me during the last five years of her life.

I did not go into specifics in the Facebook post, but I did say the treatment I received colored my memories in a less than f lattering way.

I summed it up by asking people to think about the effect their words have on the people around them.

My 32- year- old niece read my post and was offended. My portrayal wasn’t the grandmother she remembered. She then blocked me.

She showed my post to my brother, who proceeded to berate me for my “anger,” and for forgetting that she loved me. He then said I need therapy to deal with my anger. That was the last I heard from him.

I saw a therapist for four months. After hearing all about my life, she marveled at my restraint.

Over these months, I’ve sent cards and gifts for special occasions, as always, without mentioning the ISSUE, but I’m wondering if I should respond and how.

I believe they’re upset because I didn’t toe the “party line.”

Distressed

Dear Distressed: Yes, people should be aware of the effect their words have on others. Your knowledge, experiences and memories of your mother would not line up with your niece’s. After all, she was 11 or 12 years old when her grandmother died.

You assume your family members are upset because you have told the truth about your mother’s behavior and its impact on you.

Perhaps they are upset because you posted these thoughts in a public forum.

When you publish painful personal family stories, family members are going to react. You can either own your version and try to talk about it, or retreat to your respective corners.

Ask your therapist to coach you about ways to handle this without violating your own truth. If you regret posting this publicly, acknowledging your regret might start a conversation.

Sending cards and gifts as you’ve always done might seem to you like gestures of reconciliation, but this behavior is also one way of sweeping this under the carpet, without acknowledging the pained reactions you seem to have triggered.

Dear Amy: “Wendy,” a very good friend of ours, passed away a few years ago. She was married to “Bart” for over 40 years. We felt very sorry for Bart.

During our last visit, we learned that he now has a live- in “girlfriend.” They take turns living in his house and then in her house.

This bothers my wife and me because Bart’s new ladyfriend’s husband is still alive.

He has dementia and probably doesn’t know that this is going on.

Do you feel this is a proper way for Bart to act? How would you advise us to adjust our attitudes?

Upset Friends

Dear Upset: As far as I’m concerned, it is appropriate for Bart to engage in a new relationship; his wife died.

In terms of his girlfriend, I don’t think it’s wise, or kind, for you to judge someone too harshly, unless you’ve walked in their shoes.