Call out parents on racism

Dear Amy: My parents have a habit of mentioning a person’s race or ethnicity when telling a story, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with the context and serves only to point out that the person is nonwhite.

For example, “The nicest Black Boy Scout came to the door” or “I saw my Chinese co- worker at the store!” or “My Filipino neighbor told me about a great book.” I’ve tried gently asking why they feel the need to share racial or ethnic characteristics of the people they encounter, but they get defensive and say I’m being too sensitive.

Is this a weird generational thing ( they are early 70s)? They are kind people, but I feel they are being unknowingly racist, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Am I just being too sensitive?

Thoughts?

Wondering

Dear Wondering:

Your folks are revealing their underlying perception that white people exist as the norm, necessitating a qualifying descriptor for any nonwhite people who might cross their path. This is the essence of privilege, and it also ref lects their world as they have experienced it over the decades.

One way to push your point a bit might be to use their typical descriptor and direct it back at them. Here’s an example: Them: “Tom, our mechanic, said we need new snow tires.”

You: “You forgot to mention Tom’s race.”

Them: “That’s because he’s white.”

You: “Oh, well, normally when you mention people I don’t know, you say what race they are. Shouldn’t this apply to white people too? I’m pointing this out because it’s something that I wish you would think about doing differently.”

After that, I think you should let it go. Their defensiveness indicates that they aren’t going to admit to you that they are trying to change this ref lexive behavior, but you will have given them a reason to think about it.

Dear Amy: You recently published my question, signed No Crystals for Me. I told you about my frustration with my therapist, who suggested I read a book that was full of soul- gazing, crystals and an overall approach that I described as pseudoscience and “woo- woo.”

It was good therapy to even write the letter to you.

I thought about how often the advice given for many situations is to speak up for yourself. That seems to be hard for many people.

I did as you suggested and took my honest concerns to my therapist.

I asked her if the book was representative of the core of her approach to therapy, because if it was, I could not benefit from it.

It turned out the book is not important to her therapy. We used this as an opening to a good discussion.

By writing down my concerns, you helped me even before you answered my letter. Thank you.

No Crystals for Me!

Dear No Crystals: In my response, I wrote, “Be honest! Tell her that you are resistant to this particular approach and ask if she has a different recommendation. She will likely ask you to talk about your reaction, and this conversation might lead to insight.”

Based on what you say, this is what happened, proving that your therapist is skilled at using information you supply to help you. She’s listening.