She can’t stop his drinking

Dear Amy: I have been cohabitating with my partner for four years. He is thoughtful, kind and generous — when he is sober. Sadly, he is an alcoholic. We met when he was sober, and I fell head over heels.

I did not fully understand the destructiveness of his disease until he relapsed about one year into our relationship.

When he relapses, he follows a pattern: He will build up resentments and stress. Then one day, I come home and he’s drinking. I will feel hurt and betrayed; he will say I don’t understand him. He will attack my son and criticize my parenting. Then he will feel ashamed and say that I should leave him. He will lie in bed for three days binge- drinking vodka.

I tell him I need him to be sober and to learn effective coping skills for stress, but he feels like I am trying to control him and that he can’t be sober as long as he lives in a stressful environment.

I’ve told him no drinking or I’ll leave. I’ve suggested he drink only beer at social gatherings. I’ve tried telling him, “Drink all you want but don’t plan on spending the night with me.”

We have broken up multiple times, only to get back together. We have been in therapy ( brief ly) and will keep trying, but I don’t know what else I can do to help him see how his drinking is making it impossible for us to be in a healthy relationship. What should I do? Stumped and Heartbroken

Dear Stumped: You need to stop believing in your own godlike power to control your partner’s drinking. No bargains, no deals, no complicated rules about it.

Parent your son, not your partner.

Orient yourself toward what is best for your son.

Obviously, living in a sober household is best. You might have the wherewithal and adult strength to tolerate the wild ups and downs of your partner’s drinking, but your child has no power over what happens at home.

He likely walks on eggshells. The atmosphere in your home — the binges, breakups, and blaming — makes him vulnerable to his own problems down the line.

Your home life is also unhealthy for your partner. He cannot maintain his sobriety while he is with you. This is not your fault, or his. He should value his health enough to put sobriety first.

You and your partner should live separately, and continue to see one another if you want to. You should attend Al- anon meetings and your son should connect with Alateen. ( Al- anon. org lists virtual meetings.)

Dear Amy: How do I politely ask my longtime friend to stop putting our conversations on speaker when we talk on the phone?

Her husband always chimes in on our conversations. This is very annoying!

The last time I spoke to her, their neighbor came over and he also joined our conversation, using some very rude language. I think it would be more polite of her to keep our talks private.

Sad in Kentucky

Dear Sad: Basic etiquette suggests the person placing the call on speaker should ask — or at least notify — the other party, giving them a chance to decide if they mind. Your friend doesn’t do this, so you should respond honestly, in the moment.

You say, “Hey, would you mind taking me off of the speaker? Thanks.”

If your chat is amplified and you don’t want it to be, you can say, “Let’s talk later.”