An aspiring ally hits a wall
Dear Amy: I work for a small entertainment startup consisting of five cisgender white men. I got in on the ground floor during the pandemic.
As the only female and youngest/newest member, I’ve felt undervalued and excluded, despite being the only one with a four-year degree. So far, I’d brushed these concerns aside because of my youth and lack of experience.
However, two weeks ago politics came up and I realized that several of my coworkers (who are also coowners) have beliefs that fly in the face of social justice, such as denying the existence of white privilege and calling women “sugar” or “honey” in the workplace.
Because the industry is male-dominated, I had expected a certain amount of sexism. Now I’m wondering whether I can ethically work alongside people who I know fundamentally disrespect me and disagree with my progressive opinions. But if I quit, they will likely replace me with another white male.
Is it my obligation (as a white person and aspiring ally) to try to teach these privileged men something about the experience others are having in this country, and hopefully change the direction of the company? Fit or Quit
Dear Fit or Quit: Identity is obviously extremely important to you. You carefully categorize these co-workers according to their race, gender and sexual identity.
But people are more complicated than their assigned stereotype. The more mature path would be to watch, learn and be open to lessons coming from unexpected places. Yes, even from that jerk who calls women “honey.”
Push back regarding any workplace behavior that affects your ability to do your job. But to insist that these men acknowledge their “white privilege” in order to meet your approval? All you would prove is that you are as arrogant as they are.
A true “ally” supports and amplifies the perspective and work of others, allowing them to use their own voice and not speaking for them. It is not the job of an ally to assume the position of lead patron and educator. Nor should you stay in an inferior position in order to prevent a cisgender white man from replacing you.
People without status or power have long been forced to tolerate nonsense from their co-workers in order to stay employed, or to advance in their fields.
Your own privilege means you don’t have to do that. Do you really want to dismantle the patriarchy? Strike out on your own. Look to the careers of Ava DuVernay and Shonda Rhimes for inspiration.
Dear Amy: You nailed it with your response to “Upbeat.” When really depressed, one cannot usually be coaxed out of it by being blanketed with “positive, happy or upbeat” info, slogans or phrases.
I went through a depression last year and while my relative meant well, telling me that the most important thing was to “make your bed each morning,” I had to tell her that the problem was getting out of the bed while feeling enormously crushed and weary. I ended up calling elderly relatives, not to vent about myself but to listen to them. Listening without leaping in to offer solutions helped me to feel better.
Been There
Dear Been There: I’m glad you navigated your way out.