What’s with all the nudes?
Dear Readers: Every year during this time I step away from my column to work on other creative projects. I hope you enjoy these (edited) “Best of ” Q&As from 10 years ago.
Today’s topic is the male gaze.
I’ll be back with fresh columns in two weeks.
Dear Amy: I’m a 25-yearold woman. I’m in a great long-term relationship with a very nice 27-year-old guy.
Last month he moved into a loft apartment with two other guys, who have been living there for a few years. The setup is nice. His roommates are generally gracious and creative people.
The problem is the decoration in the loft. It’s full of images of naked or almostnaked women. Some are fine-art prints but others are just raunchy pornography, including a headless female mannequin wearing nothing but lingerie.
I don’t feel comfortable hanging out there with so many women being displayed like that. I asked the girlfriend of one of the roommates what she thought of the mannequin, and she said it was funny.
My boyfriend has told me he does not want to upset the new apple cart by demanding that they change the apartment around. I don’t want to come off as a demanding prude by saying they should redecorate their place, so what should I do?
Grossed-out Girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend: Like you, I wouldn’t want to hang out in a porn palace, but your boyfriend isn’t willing to represent your point of view to his roommates. Your only other option is to react to this decor yourself. You can assume they’d be happy to explain their choices to someone who is willing to challenge them.
When you get to know them better, say: “OK. I’m dying to know. What’s with all the nudes?” If they say they “love the human form,” you can tell them you’ve got a vintage centerfold of Burt Reynolds you’d be happy to present to them. Otherwise, if you can’t adjust to this, I suggest you steer clear.
(February 2011)
Dear Amy: You answered a letter from a woman (“Distraught”) who said her husband was addicted to pornography. You’ve said (among other things) that pornography “desensitizes” people to actual physical encounters.
I, like millions of older men, view porn online, and I’m not desensitized. I’m frustrated because my wife, like millions of other wives, has let herself go and is no longer interested in sex. Maybe Distraught needs to try to wear something sexy to get her husband interested.
We know our wives are not 20, 30 or even 40 anymore, but we still love them. We’ve put on weight and don’t look the same as we did 30 or 40 years ago, either, but we still want to be intimate with our wives.
I bought her plus-size teddies but she won’t wear them. She never wears anything even slightly sexy.
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: The idea of plus-size teddies does not thrill every plus-size woman.
Maybe your wife would like to be thought beautiful, sexy and desirable in f lannel. Only one thing is certain: Sexy lingerie won’t fix this. You’ll have to try to find another way to communicate.
(October 2011)