Pitfalls of keeping secrets

Dear Readers: I hope you enjoy these “Best of ” Q&As from 10 years ago. Today’s topic is keeping secrets.

I’ll be back with fresh Q&As next week.

Dear Amy: My husband has a sister who was born when he was in junior high school.

His parents allowed him to name the baby. He had a crush on a classmate at the time and named her after the classmate. “Caroline” knows she was named for my husband’s classmate but has never met her.

My husband’s 50th high school reunion is this summer, and they both will be there. I think my husband should tell his classmate, but he is adamantly against it and made me promise not to do so either.

I think anyone would be honored to have an unknown namesake, especially one as charming and accomplished as Caroline.

Caroline’s Admirer

Dear Admirer: This is a charming story, but it is not yours to tell. Furthermore, pushing your husband toward this disclosure isn’t useful. You are correct that the elder Caroline might be flattered to know that she has a namesake, but there is an equal and opposite possible reaction.

(February 2011)

Dear Amy: My brother died from AIDS, and our mother has instructed me, my sisters and our families to keep the cause of his death secret from other family members, friends and neighbors.

My mother cared for my ailing brother for many years. I understand her fears of exclusion because of sexuality (my brother was gay, and so am I). These subjects are completely taboo with mom.

How can I respect my mother’s wishes and also tell the truth, so that I can be “real” with my cousins and other relatives? I sincerely want to honor my brother’s memory and show support for others with AIDS or HIV.

Wordless

Dear Wordless: If your mother has told you to lie about the cause of your brother’s death, then you can’t respect her wishes and also tell the truth. You and your siblings should encourage her to discuss this openly with you, even if she can’t discuss it with others.

You also should consider what you believe your brother would have wanted. (April 2011)

Dear Amy: I recently took a brief vacation, and I stayed at the home of my (live-in) girlfriend’s mother. My girlfriend was not there (her spring vacation is at a different time).

During my visit, the mother told me that she had recently developed a romantic relationship with a man after the death of her husband of 40 years. She asked me not to tell my girlfriend, since she’d be seeing her the following month and didn’t want her to hear it secondhand. I obliged.

When my girlfriend returned from her vacation, she was furious at me for not divulging her mom’s secret. I was stunned at her reaction.

Keeping Secrets

Dear Secrets: Just because someone asks you to keep something a secret doesn’t mean that you must agree to do so.

Also vexing is the idea that her mother would confide in you but not in her. This put you in a terrible spot.

(June 2011)