Faux wedding is a gamble

Dear Amy: My oldest daughter, 26, is engaged to be ”married.” After postponing the ”wedding” due to COVID, they have picked a new date.

In a casual conversation with my other daughter, 24, I learned that the prospective bride and groom do not plan to get legally married. They have found someone who has agreed to officiate but no license will be obtained.

My husband and I met with our daughter. She was vague about her reasons and became defensive, leaving us feeling that this is not her idea but rather his.

He is quite wealthy for his age and makes his money through online gambling.

We encouraged her to think about beneficiary, Social Security and next-of-kin issues.

After over a month of no further discussion, she asked me if I would want to help check out caterers.

I asked her if it was a wedding or just a party. She indicated she didn’t understand why that mattered. It didn’t, but I knew then that their minds had not changed.

Since I don’t support this faux wedding, and have no intention of keeping up the charade, I asked for the return of the money I had given to help with the wedding, until there is a real wedding.

At this point she said she would send me a check, and all conversation stopped.

I don’t know how our relationship will fare. Am I missing something? M in Virginia

Dear M: You and your husband have pointed out some positive aspects of being legally married, but you seem to be missing the downside of being legally married to a professional gambler.

Depending on where they live, your daughter could be on the hook for some debt accrued during a marriage.

And, given that the house usually wins, it is safe to assume that gamblers do take on debt during down times.

There are also legal issues regarding his taxable income. Does he declare his winnings?

Are you sure it is wise for your daughter to be legally tied to him?

Regardless of whether they legally marry, you might urge her to plan for the downside and get a prenup, reducing her liability for some of these issues.

Otherwise, if you had previously agreed to help pay for a party, in my opinion you should make good on your promise — for this one reception.

My wife and I have friends, “Fred” and “Ethel,” who were married for almost three decades.

Our friends recently decided to end their marriage. While this is very sad for them (and us), of course we accept their decision and don’t want to interfere.

Fred recently confided in me that he regrets their separation and divorce. He sincerely believes he and Ethel could work things out.

At the same time, Ethel has confided in my wife that she also wishes they had not given up on their marriage.

One key to our ongoing healthy friendship is that we are extremely discreet. My wife and I are torn about divulging these confidences but wonder if we should. Ricky and Lucy

Dear Ricky: Before breaking a confidence, you and your wife should encourage your friends privately to be brave enough to communicate directly with each other.

If they lose their nerve, I would provide a nudge: “Ethel told Lucy that she regrets breaking up too. Dude, get on it.” What happens next is entirely up to them.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.