House rules are good start
Dear Amy: My 18-year-old granddaughter is going to live with us after her high school graduation.
She is coming to stay with us to work for a year and establish residency in our state, which is awash in quality public universities.
We are excited to have her come live with us. I want the experience to be positive, but I know clear expectations are important.
She has spent time with us each summer, so we know each other fairly well.
My husband and I drew up a list of things that we expect from her: getting a job, taking care of her bedroom and bathroom, learning to drive and to use public transportation, no male overnight guests, house sit when we take short trips.
What are some pitfalls we should be aware of? We really want this to work out! Helpful Grammy
Dear Grammy: I lived with family members during my first year of college, and I will always look back on that time with extreme gratitude.
All of your expectations are reasonable but I suggest that you take them in reasonable stages. Focus on the transportation issue first, because that will enable her to get herself back and forth to work. After she moves in, negotiate a reasonable nighttime curfew, and emphasize that she should contact you if she is running late.
Communicating about these practical matters is vital. You and she also should have regular “family meetings” where you can all bring up matters relating to the household.
Don’t hover over her too closely, and understand that she (and you) will occasionally fail.
Dear Amy: My husband and I are 49 and 50 years old. The past 18-month period has been psychologically, physically and especially financially hard on us.
My husband got injured at work, and I lost my job. We decided to cash in our 401(k) plans and consider being retired.
We have two grown sons (late 20s) who are both married. One of them is the father of my granddaughter. Both men aren’t well off but they are doing OK for their little families. My husband and I decided to give each son and their wives a generous cash Christmas present this year. It was no big deal. We had it and shared it.
However, during my Christmas get-together with the five of them, all we heard was what they got for their wives’ parents: new TVs and dining room sets.
We didn’t even get a Christmas card. We do more for our sons then either of their in-laws do.
My husband and I can’t help but feel slighted. Should I let them know that they hurt our feelings, or should we just let it go? Feeling Slighted
Dear Slighted: My main reaction is to your choice to cash in your savings and “retire” at the age of 50. By cashing out early, you’ve already lost a percentage of your savings through a penalty.
You and your husband are at least 12 years away from receiving Social Security. Even if he is receiving disability compensation, this is a short-sighted choice to make.
My second reaction is to your choice to give a portion of this money away to people who don’t need it. I hope you will reflect on your own situation and make sounder financial choices.
And yes, you should let your sons know exactly how wounded you feel.