Try ‘loving detachment’

Dear Amy: I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. Mom probably has a personality disorder; Dad is a willing enabler and child beater.

I left home 45 years ago, at age 17.

I have a happy marriage and am close to my adult kids. Ditto for my long-distance younger brother. He has no love for either parent but out of duty calls Dad weekly. He does not have any relationship with Mom.

My brother and I have good lives, but there is a broken place inside both of us.

My elderly parents moved close by me so I could take care of them in their declining years. I thought I could do it with compassion in my heart, but I’m filled with anger and resentment. Still! My dad is receiving hospice care, but Mom is robust and could easily live another 10 or 15 years.

I visit two to three times a week, plaster on a fake smile and pretend to care.

I know how grotesque that sounds. I hate feeling this way. I’m seeing a therapist, but it is not doing much good unraveling 60 years of malice.

How do other people handle caring for aging abusive parents?

Sad Mad Daughter

Dear Daughter: Many people don’t care for aging, abusive parents. (You might be amazed at how many people in long-term care facilities have no visitors.)

These family members may be wracked with guilt about staying away. Some are doing their best to take care of themselves — as your brother seems to be doing.

If your parents have been living independently and relying on you for basic necessities, when your father dies, your mother’s living situation will have to change. Look now for an assisted living situation for her. A social worker can define her choices, while you step back.

Because you accepted (or assigned yourself) the role of caregiver, you should redefine what that means. If you make sure your mother has clean and safe housing, food and medical care, this is a compassionate response.

Must you see her three times a week with a smile plastered on your face while you boil over in anger? No.

When you are behaving in a way that causes you pain (multiple visits a week), the logical reaction is to behave in a way that lessens the pain (reduce to one visit a week).

Understand that the people who traumatized you as a child will not deliver a satisfying ending for you now.

Work with your therapist on ”loving detachment,” to create and enforce boundaries, while releasing any expectations for a reckoning.

Dear Amy: My teenage son is a very good tennis player who plays competitively in tournaments. He has competed from a young age but recently he has experienced a string of losses that are debilitating to his confidence.

When he loses close matches, it produces a lot of arguments within our family and some finger-pointing, and of course anger.

I’m seeking any advice. Tennis Dad

Dear Dad: Your son would benefit from therapeutic “coaching” from a qualified counselor who has experience with high-octane teens.

Make sure he understands that winning at life will always be more important than winning at tennis.

I recommend you all read Andre Agassi’s “Open: An Autobiography.” He wrote: “A win doesn’t feel as good as a loss feels bad, and the good feeling doesn’t last as long as the bad. Not even close.”