Time for her to get a job

Dear Amy: My daughter is 34 years old, single, with no children. She’s intelligent and well educated.

Six months ago, she quit her job in another state and moved into our house. We welcomed her, but it was supposed to be temporary.

She seemed reluctant to come here to begin with, saying she didn’t want to intrude into our lives. However, since arriving, she hasn’t even been looking for a job.

She says she doesn’t know what she wants to do or what her abilities are.

She gets depressed about her life but she’s not doing anything to try to change or improve it.

My husband doesn’t want to push her. I feel that the longer we give her a free ride, the worse her life will be. What should we do?

A Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned: No ablebodied 34-year-old should quit a job without having another job or full-time educational opportunity lined up, evenwhen they’re not sure where they’re headed.

She needs to work! She needs the income to finance the current and next phase of her life. She also needs to experience the satisfaction and tolerate the frustration and fatigue of putting in a day’s work. The unemployment rate is low and employers are eager for workers.

Your daughter is an adult, and her choices are her responsibility. But misery does love a soft bed. She has successfully descended to the level of your low expectations. Her sloth is also affecting her self-esteem.

Six months of R&R is enough. Give her two weeks to find a job — any job. Let her know that if she wants to continue living with you, she will have to work at least 20 hours a week while she pulls together more permanent plans. Give her six months to save enough to rent her own place. This puts the total of her respite at one year, a generous amount of time.

Does she need counseling or job coaching? Help her to find it. She can do these things and work 20 hours a week — and she’ll feel much better about herself.

Dear Amy: My wife and I are in our early 60s and have been married for 13 years.

Until two or three years ago our love life was pretty good. It has gradually tapered off until a little over a year ago my wife told me she has no sex drive — which ended our sex life.

She asked our doctor, who said it’s a normal part of aging and there’s probably not much to be done.

She has said she would see if there are any alternatives but to date hasn’t acted on her intentions.

While her libido is zero, mine is still what I would deem healthy for a man my age. I don’t expect (or want) daily sex, but once a week or so would be great.

I miss the sex, but I miss the intimacy just as much. Your advice is welcome.

Lacking in Love

Dear Lacking: Your wife should definitely consult with an ob/gyn. Loss of libido for women can be related to physical factors, and there are treatments to mitigate these age-related changes.

I hope you can understand, however, what a loss this is for your wife. Losing your desire can be profoundly sad; it can also make you forget what desire felt like, making it challenging to pursue treatment.

While you work on this, find ways to be physically close — without having sex. If your wife doesn’t feel pressure to have intercourse, being intimate with you should help to draw you two closer.