Don’t ask kids’ permission

Dear Amy: I am a 73-yearold man. My wife died three years ago. This year would have been our 50th year of marriage.

Although we had many ups and downs throughout our marriage, we loved each other and raised two wonderful children who now have children of their own. (I also have a daughter from a previous marriage.) I have many grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

I love and live for my family. I don’t know what I would have done without them after my wife’s death.

Over 40 years ago my wife caught me kissing “Doreen,” my friend’s wife, at a party. Nothing more happened. My wife never really got over the betrayal but we agreed to stay together and work on our marriage. We also stayed friends with Doreen and her husband, who’s long dead.

Doreen and I have stayed friends through email, Facebook, phone calls, kids’ birthday parties, etc. My kids know her and have always been friendly to her.

Doreen and I have spoken on the phone many times in the years after my wife’s death (the kiss never mentioned). I’ve become interested in dating her.

I mentioned her to my son recently and he was adamant that he did not want me to date her. He said his sister(s) agreed with him.

I don’t know if Doreen would go out with me, but am I wrong to want her to be a part of my life? I’m afraid my kids will turn away from me. I think my wife told them about this long-ago kiss.

I was totally surprised by my son’s reaction. What should I do?

Just Friends

Dear Friends: When you essentially ask someone for permission to live your life within completely respectable boundaries, you take a risk that they will say “no.”

I’d say that around 70% of adult children say a quick no to the prospect of their parent dating after a loss. (They often come around later.)

Just as you don’t have the power to run your kids’ lives, don’t give them the power to run yours.

The only asking on your part should be confined to Doreen. Don’t make the mistake of believing that you need to explain or apologize for a regrettable choice you made 40 years ago.

Your health and happiness should be the most important thing to the people who love you. Handle this new relationship discreetly and in thoughtful stages.

Dear Amy: In January I loaned my granddaughter $9,000. She agreed to pay me back when her bank opened the following Monday. I know she had the money because her father (my son) was involved in a lawsuit and she got a large sum of money.

It has been several months now, and she has not paid me yet.

I am considering suing her because I am retired and living on a fixed income. What should I do?

It pains me that I am being treated this way after I was kind enough to loan her the money.

Stiffed

Dear Stiffed: I hope you have some documentation regarding this loan.

Start by asking her, in writing, to repay you.

You could also try asking her father to repay you.

If you don’t get satisfactory answers (and your money), then depending on where you live, you could take this to small claims court, which would be an easier (and less expensive) process for you.

I hope you charge her interest.