Grandpa needs to ease up

Dear Amy: Recently my children and I were with my in-laws at a crowded event where I relied on my fatherin-law to supervise my son (age 4) while I was with my toddler daughter.

My father in-law tries to connect with my son by “being silly,” which for him means nose pinching, tickling, general rough-housing and clownish behavior.

Occasionally my son laughs with him, but more often I can tell by his body language that he feels assaulted by all the unwanted touching.

As we said goodbye and Grandpa tried to jostle him into a hug (while saying, “You don’t have to hug me if you don’t want to”), my son refused to say goodbye at all.

It began to dawn on me how much rough-housing had been happening, so I asked my son if Grandpa “nudges” him too much.

He said (amazingly), “I love Grandpa so much and every time I see him I’m so excited to play, but he makes me so sad every time because he’s too rough.”

What is the best way to approach this?

My husband was subjected to this behavior as a child. I don’t think he would be able to effectively handle this with his father.

I could encourage my son to advocate for himself to his grandpa. I could tell my father-in-law about what my son said, something to the effect of, “I can see you really want to connect with our kids, but what you’re doing is the opposite of connecting.” Your advice?

Protective Mom

Dear Protective: It never ceases to amaze me that some adults can look at children who are obviously distressed and not adjust their adult behavior.

Let’s stipulate that this grandfather is not intentionally being a bully but is behaving the way he knows how to behave and has always behaved with children. He may believe he is “toughening up the little guy,” but this behavior from a beloved adult is extremely confusing, as your son articulated.

Coach your son to express his needs: “Grandpa, no — too rough!”

Also pass along your son’s comments and ask your father-in-law: “Can you dial down the rough-housing? It’s pretty hard on him.”

Dear Amy: My 30-year-old (younger) sister is transfixed by a man who in another time would be called “a rake.” He is handsome and charming, and has a reputation as a womanizer.

“Cecile” is lovely, trusting and sweet — and a bit naive. She’s had a few relationships of varying duration and has been burned a few times.

My instincts to try to protect my sister are very strong, but I don’t want to overstep or alienate her. Your suggestion?

Protective Sister

Dear Protective: I appreciate the term “rake,” because it brings to mind visions of “lovable scoundrels” from English literature.

I therefore turn to Jane Austen for advice.

In “”Sense and Sensibility,” younger sister Marianne falls for the rakish Mr. Willoughby; the somber and appropriate Colonel Brandon loves her from afar.

I’ll paraphrase Brandon’s gracious blessing to the doomed couple: “I pray that she will be happy, and that he will somehow deserve her.”

You can hope for Cecile’s happiness, and stand in her corner if things don’t go well. Weighing in, especially if you are not invited, will not help.