Wedding customs change

Dear Amy: My son and his girlfriend just announced their plans to marry this year. It is the first marriage for both of them and we couldn’t be happier.

We were very surprised, however, when they asked us what contribution we would make toward the wedding.

I had always understood that wedding expenses were the responsibility of the bride’s family, and said so, but they said that was an out-of-date custom.

We were blindsided and don’t know how to respond.

Her family is generously giving them a healthy sum to use for the wedding, honeymoon, etc. This should be more than enough to cover the wedding costs.

We will host the rehearsal dinner (traditionally the groom’s family’s responsibility) and plan to give them a nice check for a wedding gift (but not as much as the bride’s contribution).

A few years ago, we gave our son most of the down payment on the house they now live in together. That was roughly double what the bride’s family is giving.

Are we hopelessly out of date?

How do we manage their expectations without causing ill feelings?

Dated Parents

Dear Parents: The marrying couple should be responsible for financing their wedding. One way to do this is to ask both sets of parents to contribute and then to plan the wedding they can afford.

Your son and his fiancée may seem bold when it comes to asking, but that’s all they are doing: asking.

What they need is an answer: “In addition to the sum we gave you for your down payment, we’ll pay for the rehearsal dinner. We were also planning to give you a check for [name the amount] as a wedding gift, and if you would like it now rather than later, let us know.”

The couple are responsible for managing their own expectations. This is “adulting” of the first order.

Dear Amy: Several times since my husband died, people have dropped off food for me. I live alone.

This happens without my knowledge, so I can’t tell them in advance that there are many foods I can’t eat.

I am very grateful that they think of me but I don’t understand the concept.

I am not a shut-in, I am not ill, and I could certainly stand to lose some weight.

Today a co-worker dropped off a very spicy stew. She texted me to say she had left it at my house.

I opened the container and immediately knew I’d be sick for days if I ate it.

How do I politely thank her but get the message across that I could not eat it?

For people who feel the need to give others food, please ask what they eat and if they have room to store it.

Overfed

Dear Overfed: I can’t imagine how the concept of bringing food to a bereaved person has escaped you. Although you make a strong case for the burden of receiving food when you haven’t asked for it, and a good point regarding the challenge of receiving food you cannot consume, I hope you understand that there is a real spirit of generosity here.

Thank your co-worker like this: “Thank you so much for dropping off the stew! I am so touched that you thought of me. Unfortunately for me, I can’t eat anything spicy, but it smells so good. I’m going to save it for a hungry guest. Let me know if you’d like me to return the container. I’m so grateful for your thoughtfulness. Fortunately, I’m all set for food.”