Expect July 4th fireworks

Dear Amy: Recently, my fiancé and I went out with his friend (of 30 years) “George,” and George’s new girlfriend, “Janet.”

George went to the restroom. Janet took his seat so we could talk (the venue was loud). After some chitchat, Janet reached over and stroked my fiancé’s face without uttering a word. I was shocked.

My fiancé left the table almost immediately to use the restroom. Upon his return, he switched his seat to be on the other side of me (not near Janet).

He later told me that he left the table to avoid her, and that she had been rubbing up against his leg.

I was beyond furious. He begged me not to confront her, so we abruptly left.

I was furious with my fiancé for not saying something to her immediately. He said he was so stunned that he just wanted to leave.

The next morning, he told George what Janet did, and said how uncomfortable it made both of us.

George was unfazed and blamed it on Janet’s drinking. He has since invited us to other events (with Janet). We have declined and reiterated the reason.

A friend is hosting a Fourth of July party and my fiancé wants to go. George and Janet will be there.

Do we go? If so, I am most certain I will address this — in person!

Do you agree we should keep our distance from her?

Protective Fiancée

Dear Protective: Your fiancé’s response to this unwanted, uninvited touching is very common. People who have never experienced this might criticize the victim for not speaking up in the moment. But the nearly universal response to this sort of violation is to first freeze, then to create distance.

Janet is a boundary crosser who believes she can get away with it, in part because she is a woman.

Consciously or not, she is counting on a double standard for how people tend to respond when men’s physical boundaries are violated.

If your fiancé wants to attend this Fourth of July party, he should. His choice not to let what happened control him is a good one.

Does he want you to confront Janet? If so, then go for it, and enjoy the fireworks.

Your fiancé might address his violation himself. If so, he should be prepared for the typical response from perpetrators: denial, deflection, diminishing the behavior, maybe even blaming him for inviting it — which, as everyone knows, he did not do.

Dear Amy: I am one of three daughters-in-law. There have been problems with the others, who live in our in-laws’ house. (I don’t.)

One constantly fights with her husband and disrespects his parents. She lives with her parents since the last fight, six months ago.

I tried to help, but by pointing out all that she was doing wrong, I think I’ve actually made matters worse.

Her behavior toward family members seems to have improved. Now she’s being negative toward me.

I’m disappointed that she didn’t receive my advice in a positive way. Should I continue to try to reach out?

C

Dear C: Nobody likes to have their faults and failings pointed out to them.

Intervention is laudable and necessary if you are trying to protect someone. Otherwise, unless you are asked to weigh in, stand down.

You should stay in contact with her but don’t rehash everything.