No need for explanations

Dear Amy: I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship with a man whose handsy, flirtatious style of interacting with women he finds attractive always bothered me. I’ve broken up with him over this and have explained several times how humiliating it is to me when he acts this way.

The times we’ve started up again, he always says he’s a “new man” who understands my feelings. He even thanks me for helping him to be a more respectful person. Then, months later, things begin to slide.

This time, the slide was accompanied by a health scare for me when I had symptoms commonly associated with an STD.

I tested negative for this STD (he’s positive for it, and we use condoms), but his behavior toward one woman in our group got so flirtatious that my mind started interpreting threats everywhere.

I decided to look at his text messages with this woman, whom he once described as someone he feels “fatherly” toward.

Sure enough, they had a sexual relationship during one of the periods where he and I had separated.

I just want to make a clean break from him romantically, but I’m worried about all our mutual friends.

I’m struggling with how to talk to him about learning that he’s lied to me for years about his relationship with this much younger woman.

Any suggestions for ending this romantic relationship that won’t ignite a reaction that could include losing friends in our circle? Done Feeling

Suspicious

Dear Done: Breaking up is one time when you don’t need to explain yourself fully if you don’t want to.

He may believe he is being blindsided, but many people don’t want a chapterand-verse recitation of their faults and failings when their partner is leaving.

I suggest you say: “I’m tired of not trusting you. I’m tired of worrying about your health and mine. This relationship is too much work. I need to make a clean break and be on my own.”

Any breakup puts shared relationships at risk. Your discretion regarding private conversations and your refusal to engage in emotionally charged accusations might be a welcome relief to people in your shared group.

I suspect that any true friends who have witnessed your unstable relationship over the years might find a way to say, “It’s about time!”

Dear Amy: My wife and I are seniors. We recently began a friendship with another couple. We’ve shared two restaurant meals with them in three months.

They are heavy drinkers and large eaters. We are neither, with the result that their share of the bill is much greater than ours.

They don’t offer to cover extra costs or pick up the tip.

Our last meal resulted in them eating (and mostly drinking) $80 more than us, but we split the bill evenly.

My wife indicated she’d like to put together another dinner and I said I would ask for separate checks. She feels this is “cheap.”

I feel we’re being taken advantage of and this will continue as long as we let it continue. Your thoughts?

RMB

Dear RMB: Getting separate checks is not “cheap.”

All you have to do is to establish this one time; then it will be just what you do.

You can say (to these folks and then to the server), “We’re going to go with separate checks tonight.”

I would consider this a good way to move forward.