He’s an offended officiant

Dear Amy: My husband and I were just involved in the wedding of our two dear friends — I as a bridesmaid, my husband as the officiant.

They’d originally asked my husband to be a groomsman. They later asked if he’d officiate instead. Although this is not his profession, he happily put his heart into preparing for their day.

At the wedding rehearsal, we learned that he’d been left out of the bachelor party, held the previous night. He didn’t receive any gift (each bridesmaid and groomsman got a small gift), and was left out of groomsmen photos — until he specifically asked for at least one photo with the couple.

He had never discussed any compensation with them. For our wedding, we paid our officiant (also nonclergy) for his time, as well as for travel and lodging. We thought this was customary.

I don’t think this was intended to be a slight; the couple was obviously happy to have us both there.

Are we wrong to have expected something different?

My husband and I are hurt by this, as it feels like he was demoted after agreeing to a more significant role.

Should we say anything, or leave this in the past?

Wedding Wounded

Dear Wounded: It’s standard to compensate the person who officiates at the wedding, even if that person is a friend who would perform the ceremony for free. This compensation can be paying for their travel and hotel room or giving them a cash gift and/or a gift of appreciation to acknowledge the vital role the officiant has played in the wedding.

I have a strong feeling that if the groom had included your husband in his bachelor party and if the couple had welcomed him into group photos, you wouldn’t be asking about compensation, because this is really about him feeling demoted, excluded and unappreciated. And I agree with his reaction!

This couple blew it. It’s as if when they asked your husband to officiate, in their minds he became a member of the clergy (who naturally might not enjoy a bachelor party).

If you can leave this in the past, definitely do that. Otherwise, your husband could say, “I was honored to perform your ceremony, but afterward I felt like I’d been demoted from groomsman. I was surprised to not be included in the bachelor party. You know I’m not an actual priest, right?”

Dear Amy: I have been going with a woman for several months (we are retirement age), and we have agreed to date each other exclusively.

However, when I am not around, she invites a man 30 years her junior to dine out or just hang out with her.

When I tell her that I don’t feel comfortable with this, she says they have been friends for a couple of years, and nothing romantic is going on between them.

While that may be true for now, I can’t help but feel that this will evolve into a romantic relationship.

I have strong feelings for her, and I would be devastated if we broke up, but it’s hard for me to continue like this. What can I do?

Exclusive or Not?

Dear Exclusive: If you are exclusively dating, you’d want to introduce each other to your friends on both sides. You don’t seem to have met this gentleman caller, but this would be a good first step. If she is reluctant or refuses to introduce you to him, it would seem theirs is the exclusive relationship — and of the three of you, you’re the excluded one.