Drenched in family drama

Dear Amy: After many years, and with the help of prayers and science, I am pregnant and, along with my family and friends, looking forward to a celebratory baby shower.

My issue is whether I must invite a narcissistic sister-in-law (my brother’s wife) or if it is appropriate to invite only her daughters, ages 10 and 14.

Over the years my relationship with my SIL has deteriorated to the point that she refuses to speak to me, and we have to have separate family holidays.

I would never invite this person to any event, but her daughters and I maintain a loving relationship.

Is it appropriate to address the invitation to my nieces alone? I would really miss their presence, but cannot stand the thought of their mother attending.

Finally Expecting

Dear Expecting: From my perspective, it is not appropriate to invite your nieces to your baby shower without also inviting their mother — but I am not living in your family and lack specific insight. (Your brother might offer you a firm suggestion.)

Understand that if you invited your nieces (and not their mother), there is a high likelihood that their mother would not let them attend without her. You doing so likely would hand your sister-in-law more “evidence” of whatever crimes against the family she believes you have already committed.

I’m only suggesting that you be prepared for fallout, no matter what you do.

Narcissists have a grandiose notion that the world revolves around them, so your sister-in-law would interpret any action of yours only in relation to her.

I’m accepting your assumption that things are so bad between you two adults that you consider them intolerable, but understand that as you move forward — now with a child of your own — this practice of celebrating separate holidays will become even more complicated. Continue to do your best to have an ongoing healthy and unfettered relationship with your nieces.

Dear Amy: I would like to inform my children of my intended plans for distributing my estate after my death.

How can I lovingly bequeath my funds without ruffling feathers?

I have three daughters. Only one is married, with two children.

In preparing my will, I would like to leave each of my grandchildren 2% of my funds and equally split the balance among my three daughters, at 32% each.

I’m afraid that one will look upon this distribution as her married sibling getting a larger share (believing the 2% should come from the married daughter’s onethird equitable share).

I would like input from you and readers on my plan, and how to overcome any hard feelings.

Planning

Dear Planning: Your planned distribution of your assets seems equitable and fair. Many people choose to give to grandchildren and other family members separately from their own children. It’s your money and you have the right to spend it however you want!

I’m wondering why you feel compelled to share these details with your daughters.

You say you want to inform them, and you anticipate that one will object. If so, you should prepare yourself. She’ll have to recover from her disappointment.

I’ll happily run replies from readers.