Leave weight issue alone
Dear Amy: My daughter is 33 and is a kind, caring person. She has a good job and a devoted boyfriend who is living with her in a house that we helped her buy.
She was a normal weight until she gained about 30 pounds in college and after she joined AA to quit drinking.
During the pandemic she became depressed and put on another 20 pounds, but in the past 18 months (since her boyfriend moved in) she has gained at least 60 pounds. She is now 100 pounds over her BMI of 25, a healthy weight.
I’ve read in your column that I can’t speak to her about this since she is fully aware of it, will resent me, and only she can change it. I am terrified that she will become so obese that she cannot find a new job or boyfriend, if either of those disappear.
She has some social anxiety but is quite adamant about her own judgment.
I suggested that she see an endocrinologist since she may have a metabolic disorder (aside from eating too much).
She has yet to call that doctor.
How can I help her take the first step? I’m paralyzed with fear that she will die of morbid obesity. Desperate Mother
Dear Desperate: Your interest in your daughter’s body size, weight, and BMI is obsessive and I suggest that you get a handle on your own anxiety, by talking this through with a therapist.
How and why has your daughter’s BMI (body mass index) come up in conversation? You are either bringing up this topic, or she is sharing these details with you, perhaps testing your response. Don’t bite that hook.
If the 12-step AA model works for her, she could find a 12-step program like Overeaters Anonymous (OA.org) to join.
Stop. If hounding people helped them to lose weight, then I assure you we’d all be doing it. Your obsession with your daughter’s weight is destined to damage her selfesteem, if it hasn’t done so already.
Dear Amy: I have a parenting question. I have an adult son in his mid-20s. He has been with his girlfriend, “Kris,” since they met in college.
My wife and I have welcomed Kris into our clan. We genuinely like her. We assume that our son will ask Kris to marry him, possibly this Christmas. We have not discussed this with him. They live together, and both have full-time jobs.
The problem? My wife and I are both convinced that our son and Kris are not destined to make it, long term. How do we know this? We both had brief first marriages.
We believe our son is going to ask us to be honest with him about his relationship, and we are not sure how to respond.
What do you think?
Pondering Parents
Dear Parents: Your son might be asking earnestly, but I suggest that you respond extremely carefully. Start with this question: “What is it you’re looking for from us?”
Do not criticize him, “Kris,” or critique their relationship. Speak only to your own experiences. Would any forewarning have waved you off of your brief first marriages? Keep this in mind as you weigh your response.
Premarital counseling can bring forward many deeper issues. It’s a shame more couples don’t avail themselves of it.