Undervaluing own work

Dear Amy: I am a people pleaser, volunteering at a nonprofit that helps Afghan refugee women. We provide fabric and a space with sewing machines where they can work. Lately, these women are making items that they may be able to sell.

Recently, “Kara” asked us to create a copy of a dress she had. She told me that if we figured out how to make this, we could let the Afghan women make and sell them. She provided fabric for it.

I spent six hours figuring out how to make the item and documenting it with photos and instructions. I then made a sample.

I have been a professional seamstress, but I’m also a soft touch. I never charge as much as the work is worth.

I intended to ask Kara to give a donation to the charity so we could buy more fabric. One hundred dollars didn’t seem out of line.

As it turns out, Kara loved what I did and wore the sample out the door.

I gave her instructions and the pattern pieces, and she gave me $20 to donate to the charity.

She also told me she and a friend might make these dresses and sell them. (I did tell her I thought the project was not going to work for the Afghan women.)

After she left, I felt used. I called her and told her that she needed to pay me for my time if she was going to sell this dress design for a profit.

But now I hate myself for calling her. Was I wrong to call her? Or am I wrong to feel guilty?

In Stitches

Dear In Stitches: People often ask if they are “wrong” to feel a particular way. My answer is always the same: Your feelings are your feelings. They are not right or wrong. They just are. Your job is to let your feelings guide you to understanding and (possibly) change.

Your initial choices prevented you from receiving a justified compensation.

I suggest your chronic undercharging is more a reflection of your confidence in the worth of your work than your desire to please.

Kara swanned out the door wearing a custommade dress (with pattern and instructions) for $20.

If you don’t set your price and state it clearly before doing the work, then you leave it up to the buyer to guess at fair compensation.

Your choice to follow up with Kara gets a “five-star” rating. I hope you will take this as an opportunity to adjust your business model.

Dear Amy: My brother is toxic, bossy and creates problems among family members. As a result, we siblings don’t really communicate with him. We are now all elders, with him the eldest.

I am the youngest. As we age, I often wonder what I will do when he dies. Should I go to his funeral if I have fond childhood memories of our relationship and I still have a good relationship with his son? (His daughter has removed herself from all family communication. No one knows why, but it occurred long before we stopped communicating with our brother.)

I would want to do the right thing by my nephew by supporting him, but I also wouldn’t want to create any problems within my brother’s family. Anticipating

Dear Anticipating: Unless you strongly suspect that your presence would make things harder for your brother’s family and other survivors, then yes, you should attend his funeral. Be discreet, express your condolences, and do your best to read the room.