Going on the offensive

Dear Amy: I have never seen a question like this in any advice column.

I am a widow, and have been dating a widower for approximately six years.

We have a very happy relationship. We have helped each other tremendously to heal from our losses.

The issue is my boyfriend’s daughter, “Marcia.” She is a 34-year-old nurse (I am also a nurse) and she has had a difficult time moving forward after the loss of her mother seven years ago.

I believe grief counseling would help her a lot, but I’m not sure she ever went.

She will not accept our relationship. I am invisible to her. She refuses to believe her father can find happiness with anyone other than her mother, and has verbalized this to others. She told her father that she felt I was “replacing” her mother.

I wonder if seeing her father happy is a problem for her. (My children love him and are so glad to see me happy again.)

My boyfriend said she will probably not change. He acknowledges that she is a very self-centered person.

It has become uncomfortable being around her at family events.

She recently married and

I thought she would mature, but it hasn’t happened.

How do I deal with this constant elephant in the room?

Stuck

Dear Stuck: A child not accepting a parent’s new partner is at least as old as “The Parent Trap.” It surfaces frequently in this space.

Marcia’s father helped to create this problem, and he doesn’t seem to be doing anything to promote a healthier relationship between two women who are important to him. He needs to stop letting his daughter run his life, and you need to stop letting her control you.

I understand wanting to keep your distance, but perhaps you should try the opposite. You should be the elephant in her room — cordial, polite, but overall unconcerned about her behavior.

Dear Amy: My husband of 34 years has been cheating on me for years.

When I confronted him last year and told him I knew everything, he said he doesn’t remember doing it.

My problem is that even after all he’s put me through (giving her money, refusing intimacy with me) I still love him. Why? I have no idea.

I definitely want a divorce, but I still care for him.

I have been losing my hair and have lost 12 pounds from stress. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I don’t know why I can’t be strong enough to let go.

I have discussed it with people, including my pastor. How can I let go?

Hurting

Dear Hurting: Letting go is a process that can only be taken in stages. For you, it would start with you accepting the reality of your situation (you’ve done that). You should then come to grips with the fact that your situation is not likely to change.

You should physically separate (at least temporarily) in order to remove yourself from constant triggers and clear your head.

You should see a lawyer, even if you are not yet emotionally ready to divorce.

Focus on your mental and physical health. Your body’s reaction to this stress is evidence it is harming you.

Letting go is an act of courage. It is not necessary to stop loving the person who has hurt you, but it is necessary for you to learn to love and value yourself.