Debt talk hurts friendship

Dear Amy: I belong to a group of nine women who are all retired teachers of various ages. We have met monthly for 35 years.

We started this group because, although we worked for the same school district, several moved to different schools, and this was a way for us to stay connected.

In the past we have been respectful, loving and supportive toward each other. Lately I have not been feeling the love, and I am devastated.

At our last meeting I announced, very proudly, that my daughter (also an educator) received loan forgiveness of $52,000.

My daughter has two master’s degrees and has been working with children for 20 years. She has paid promptly on her loans for 10 years now, and this debt forgiveness is truly a blessing.

When I mentioned this news, you would have thought I told them she’d robbed a bank!

All but one person (who I had told earlier and was very supportive) expressed their opinions about the loan forgiveness program and how they were against their tax dollars helping my daughter.

It is still raw. How do I heal?

Upset Teacher

Dear Upset: This episode has revealed the unfortunate dynamic created for some people when they learn about someone else’s windfall.

You’ve also stumbled into firsthand knowledge of how some people are responding to this life-changing debt forgiveness program.

People enjoying their retirement did not experience the crushing debt that many younger people have taken on fund their education. (My own debt, which took 10 years to pay off, was low-interest chicken scratch compared with what more recent graduates have had to tackle.) Furthermore, relieving these younger people of debt enables them to invest in their kids’ educations, as well as their own retirements.

You can heal from this by accepting the limitations of the people in your group. You’ve uncovered an indelicate side to them, but this reaction was not personal, to you or your daughter.

Dear Amy: I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. About a year ago, I had breakfast with a friend of mine, “Pat.”

I’ve known Pat for 40 years. I picked up Pat, drove her to the restaurant, and after the meal I brought her back home. I asked if I might use her bathroom before continuing on the way to my house, which is about 15 miles away.

Pat said no. I mentioned that I really couldn’t wait, due to the IBS. I pleaded and was told absolutely not. Well, I fumed all the way home, and I was in a bad way. I made it, but I was not happy with my friend’s treatment of me. Pat called about a month later to inquire why I haven’t been in touch.

I told Pat how I felt and reminded her of the many times I’ve hosted parties and she was always invited.

I have forgiven Pat. I just don’t want to have anything to do with her. Am I being petty?

Barely Made It Home

Dear Barely Made It: I agree with you that in this instance, Pat demonstrated a complete disregard for your basic needs. It’s tough to reckon with the faults and failings of someone you’ve known for a very long time, but for you this episode brought on a reckoning.

I’m glad you’ve forgiven Pat; I don’t blame you for keeping your distance now.