Her story is hers to share

Dear Amy: I’ve been assaulted by multiple men in my life, mostly in high school and college.

I have been in extensive therapy to work through the lasting effects of these assaults. I’m very proud of the progress I’ve made.

No one in my family is aware of my experiences, except for my grandmother. A couple of years ago, out of the blue, she asked if these things had happened to me, since it had happened to her, and she could see the signs.

I don’t mind that she knows; it’s nice not to feel like I’m hiding something.

But ever since she found out, she has been pressuring me to tell my parents.

My therapist and I have talked about when and how to do this, and it just doesn’t seem like I’ll be ready anytime soon.

My grandmother has been getting more persistent, and I’m afraid she’s going to tell them herself, causing an even bigger mess with hurt feelings for all parties.

While I don’t like hiding part of my past from my parents, I also feel like it should be up to me how and when I tell them.

Am I doing something wrong by hiding my trauma from my parents for now? Not Ready

Dear Not Ready: You’re neither wrong nor right to keep knowledge of your trauma from your parents. You are making a choice, and it is yours to make.

Your grandmother’s own trauma occurred (presumably) long ago, yet she recognizes you as a fellow survivor. She may regret a choice to hold her own story privately and believes that she would have relieved some of her own suffering if she had talked more openly about it. You should ask her.

In my mind, the primary issue you face is to figure out how you will respond if — or when — your grandmother jumps the gun and does your talking for you.

Even if your grandmother violates your privacy in this way, you still own your story. It will always be yours, and you — and only you — get to write the ending.

I also want to emphasize that what happens to you affects your family in sometimes profound ways, because the burden of the pain you carry affects your relationships.

If your folks are compassionate people, knowing about your trauma will give them opportunities to love you fiercely and support you as you continue to heal. Your disclosure might also reveal confusion and a poor or inadequate response.

In addition to therapy, a virtual or in-person support group for assault survivors would be helpful to you.

Dear Amy: I have two children, 11 and 14. Their dad and I both work and share the household chores before and after work.

I’d say that our lives run pretty smoothly, but I’ve noticed that we each seem to be in separate bubbles, retreating to our screens during most of our time at home.

I’m so sick of this that I’m thinking about trying to prohibit screen use at home.

Obviously, nobody likes this solution, so we decided to get your thoughts. Screened-Out

Dear Screened-Out: Before trying to completely prohibit screen use, try finding ways to limit screen use.

One idea may seem to run counter to your goal, but this is to actually share screen time as a family, where once a week, each family member gets to choose one “family-friendly” thing to watch together, and phones are turned off.