Followers before friends?

Dear Amy: “Sandy” and I are close friends from college. Our friend group has stayed close, despite living in different states.

We have a group text chat and occasionally get together.

Recently, Sandy has been going through a rough patch after a painful divorce.

She is something of an “influencer” on social media and has been sharing all of her personal experiences about her mental health journey publicly.

I feel conflicted about the disparity between her public sharing and the lack of openness within the very safe space of our close-knit group.

While I understand that social media is her chosen outlet, I don’t understand why she would do this instead of confiding in a group of people who actually know her well.

I’m very private and find it strange when others overshare on social media.

Should I reach out to Sandy and note her recent posts, asking how I can support her? If the answer is yes, how can I handle my frustration over her choices?

Confused

Dear Confused: Some people use social media to basically tip out their emotional dumpster and publish their every thought, feeling and latest meal.

This can seem extremely indiscreet — or even performative — because of the way this rakes in a lot of sympathy or commiseration from followers.

Sandy has found her outlet. She may find that her public openness enables her to be more present for her close personal friends. She is venting to a crowd; consequently, she is freeing up real estate in your group chats.

You might be baffled by her choices, but harshly judging her won’t help either of you. She’s sharing her frustrations and challenges publicly on social media, while you’re sharing yours with the people who read this column.

Yes, reach out to Sandy privately to check in, but do not accuse her of oversharing.

She is broadcasting using her preferred channels; you should respond using yours.

Dear Amy: The other night I was talking to my husband about a little lie he told.

I said that lying is one thing I won’t tolerate! I would be far less mad about the truth than the little lies.

During the conversation he threw in another lie. When I called him out, he went on the defensive and gave me no comfort to work through this.

Now I’m at a loss. I’m worried that if he can tell little lies straight to my face, when do the big lies start?

Lost in Idaho

Dear Lost:

It seems unrealistic to expect your husband to comfort you after he’s been caught in a lie. At that moment, he is feeling much sorrier for himself than for you. And maybe you should feel sorry for him too.

Unless he is flat-out arrogant, gratuitous lying about little things is cowardly. His lies reveal that he doesn’t really trust you. He is afraid of your reaction, or afraid of disappointing you. And yes, I do believe that when this is ingrained, little lies will lead to larger ones.

You and your husband might want to check out the newest book by famed relationship researchers Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman: “Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection” (2024, Harmony).