Whose truth is it to tell?
Dear Amy: My father-inlaw is a retired law enforcement officer. Due to scientific advances since his retirement, it turns out that much of his career was a sham. DNA evidence has exonerated many of the people he put behind bars — to such a large extent that a TV network chose to air a story about him and his corrupt practices some years ago.
He claims that he did the best with the information that he had.
Nevertheless, it has become obvious that he let his own biases, prejudices and yes, racism, get the better of him and he put innocent people in jail.
This has become the family secret that no one talks about.
My children, now almost adults, only know that their grandfather had a distinguished career in law enforcement.
He is now in poor health and I am struggling with whether my children deserve to hear the truth about their grandfather.
On the one hand there seems to be nothing to gain by telling them the truth, but on the other hand, well, it’s the truth and perhaps they should know it. Your advice?
On the Fence
Dear On the Fence: Your children deserve to know the truth about their grandfather, but I don’t believe this is the right time, or you are the right person, to tell it.
I assume that you have a spouse and that this person is your father-in-law’s child. Encourage your spouse to approach this topic from a place of disclosure and honesty, but your spouse should make some basic choices about the timing.
If your father-in-law’s unlawful acts resulted in a televised depiction of his corruption, your kids will find it if they Google his name.
After your father-in-law’s death, obituaries might note some of these scandals and crimes, inspiring your kids to ask about his history. Point them toward accurate sources for information, and encourage them to ask family members about their grandfather’s role in this terrible and tragic history.
Dear Amy: My wife and I have three teenagers. They are good kids and all are doing well in school.
The issue I have concerns my idea to reward the kids by letting them have a couple of extra days off of school before spring break because we were planning to fly to a resort and our flight leaves very early Saturday. I thought it would be good for them to rest up on Thursday and prepare for the trip on Friday. I told the kids this idea and they were on board.
My wife has now dug in about this. She doesn’t believe in taking breaks from school unless they’re sick, and she is strict about this.
She is mad at me and I’m not sure what to do.
Dear Dad: This is the sort of decision that parents should make together.
In addition to emphasizing the important parenting choice to act as a team, I assume that if you had discussed this with her, your wife would have convinced you that kids don’t really need “a break” from school right before a 10-day break.
What you call “dug in,” I would describe as consistent and stable parenting.
I think you owe her an apology for making an important parenting choice without discussing it with her. Your reward is that you get to tell the kids they are going to finish out their scheduled school week before going on vacation.