ASK AMY Lonely calls from far away

Dear Amy: My stepson and his wife and 3-year-old daughter live in Hawaii.

My wife and I are on the West Coast.

We visit them several times a year, and they visit over the Christmas holidays when they can.

The times we spend together are always warm and drama-free. We’re on good terms, and I adore them.

My one issue is our daughter-in-law. While sweet as she can be, she video calls every day, often more than once, to recite the minutiae of her day.

Sure, it’s good to see our toddler granddaughter, even when she’s being difficult or disinterested, but these unscheduled video calls can run 10, 15, 20 minutes each, and too often happen during meals or when we’re reading, watching television or drifting off to sleep.

We have other kids and grandkids; we speak with them about once a week. This amount of contact is delightful and reasonable.

I’ve gently mentioned the annoyance to my wife. She mostly agrees but cannot bring herself to set a few boundaries for fear of hurting our DIL’s feelings.

After bringing it up a few times, I realized my prodding hurt my wife’s feelings.

I will occasionally move to another room, but because these are video calls, it’s difficult to disengage without showing my disinterest or annoyance.

I’d just like her to keep it “short and sweet.”

What do you think?

Hanging Up

Dear Hanging Up: It sounds as if your daughterin-law is lonely. She wouldn’t be video chatting with her husband’s folks twice a day if she had friends, other family and other satisfying outlets.

Has your wife discussed this possible loneliness with your son?

Calling seems to be a lifeline for this mom. Your wife could ask her if she is involved in any play groups or activities with other moms.

She gave birth at the height of the pandemic, and I wonder if this experience has made her self-isolate.

Your wife should encourage her to find ways to connect with other families.

On your next visit, you both should look at opportunities in her neighborhood with fresh eyes. Visits to the local playground can yield abundant friendships for both child and parents.

If she is calling at an inconvenient time, try saying: “Oh, we’re just sitting down to dinner. Is everything OK? Can we talk tomorrow?”

I suggest that you “dial in” (pay close attention) for a few moments to make eye contact in a friendly, sincere and open manner, and then go on your way.

You might also alter this dynamic if you initiate a call. Start by saying, “I just have a few minutes but wanted to say a quick hello. How’s my adorable grandchild?”

Dear Amy: One of my kids is getting married this spring. I have been erased and not invited. My ex alienated me from this child.

I do not know what to do. Should I send a card? A gift?

Some people say send nothing, or tell me to take myself on a nice vacation.

Alienated Dad

Dear Alienated: Send your child a warmly written letter, congratulating them on the engagement and sincerely wishing the couple much happiness. Don’t overload it with history. Tell them, “I hope you have a wonderful wedding celebration with much joy. I’ll be thinking about you both.”

Then go on that vacation.

Email questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@ amydickinson.com.