A persistent estrangement
Dear Readers: Periodically, I publish “updates” to previously published questions. The update follows the original, from 2018.
Dear Amy: My brother, his wife and three children lived near our parents. My family and I (wife, two kids) lived some distance away. We maintained contact through holiday cards and drop-by visits. Everything was cordial, if not particularly close.
My brother died suddenly a few years ago. He was relatively young. My SIL maintained infrequent, cordial contact for major events (kids’ graduating, my dad’s death), but that’s about it.
About a year ago my SIL married an old flame from college. She moved to his town, some distance away. We lost all contact. She and her kids essentially “ghosted” my parents, which was a source of great pain for my late father.
Last week I learned that my SIL and her daughter had relocated again, six months ago. They now live within a 10 minutes’ drive from my house.
I am trying to empathize: Perhaps they just suffered another in a series of terrible situations. But why pretend my family and I don’t exist? Why not make any effort?
My wife is furious and is considering not giving any more graduation/wedding gifts to the nieces/nephew.
Your advice? Ghosted Uncle
Dear Uncle: I wonder why you are ghosting your nieces/ nephew. Were you ever a teenager? (I’m guessing at the ages of the kids.) Would you have initiated contact with your aunt and uncle if there had been sporadic contact in the years after a parent’s death — then no contact for at least a year?
Your sister-in-law might be depressed, embarrassed, overwhelmed, introverted or — just doesn’t like you very much. She has done a poor job of staying connected to her kids’ relatives. What’s your excuse? You should reach out by whatever means you have. Express enthusiasm that they are so close. Offer to lend a hand/get together.
Your wife’s idea to punish these kids by not celebrating their milestones is unkind. I hope you’ll both choose to behave differently in order to demonstrate to them how to be in a family.
UPDATE: Things are largely unchanged. After you chastised me, I did try for a time. My efforts were never reciprocated or apparently appreciated.
In the past year I have returned two wedding invitations and a graduation announcement, as I don’t want anything to do with them.
I have been told by other family members that my former SIL and her kids have had a lot of personal issues; in recent years I have asked that they not share any of these statements with me.
So, not much is new. I will say I would have appreciated you showing me a fraction of the empathy you extended to my sister-in-law. R
Dear R: Thank you for providing this update.
I understand your criticism of my response. My focus was on you trying to stay connected with younger family members.
Even though you say your efforts have not been reciprocated or appreciated, these young family members have invited you to two weddings and a graduation. You have refused these invites.
They are the essence of reciprocation. They are bids for connection. And now it is they who feel rejected.