Keeps abuse memory alive

Dear Amy: My mother was a difficult person. She was often not nice to my sisterin-law.

I admired my SIL for taking the high road and for being respectful to my mother, and I told her so many times.

I bumped heads big time with my mother too, but had a good last six years when she moved near me and dementia mellowed her out.

My mother died five years ago and my SIL reminds me often of how awful she was (my brother has no fond memories of childhood, and lets his wife do the talking).

The last time my SIL brought this up, I stopped her and said that although her experiences are valid, this is my mother and she is dead now, and I find it offensive to keep hearing about it.

I validated her feelings and told her again how much I admired her.

Initially she apologized, but afterward apparently decided that I was wrong. She is now quite angry with me and said she prefers to work through this in therapy. After I tried to reach out, she says she doesn’t want to talk about it.

I care for her and I like her, but I’m upset about this.

I feel like making me the bad guy here is gaslighting.

Gaslit?

Dear Gaslit?: I think this only qualifies as gaslighting if you believe that you’re the “bad guy.” You don’t believe this, because you aren’t.

The only thing I think you might have done differently is if you had altered your own wording when responding.

Instead of saying your SIL’s remarks about your mother were “offensive,” you might have said how they made you feel: “Now that Mom is gone, I feel so sad continuing to hear about how awful she was to you.”

Speaking the truth about family members’ toxic behavior (even after they die) is valid and can be helpful — even if it brings up painful feelings. It can help resolve the duality of being the child of an abusive person.

Your mother treated people badly. And yet she was still your mother.

For your SIL, talking this through in therapy (not with you) is what she should be doing. A skilled therapist will help her figure out who the “bad guy” is and should lead her not to punish you for your mother’s sins.

You have been kind and gracious to her in the past, and I hope you will continue. You also have every right to hold your good memories of your mother; it sounds like you are lucky to have them.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I are in our late teens and we recently learned that I am pregnant.

We have a lot to deal with but we are doing our best to handle this situation. We both have great families and they are supportive.

My boyfriend’s sister says she wants to go with us to our doctor appointment so that when we learn the gender of our child, she can host a “gender reveal” party. (She is married and has a child.)

I know some parents do this, but I don’t think I want to do it.

Should she come with us to the appointment? Should we let her do this? Nervous

Dear Nervous: No, and no.

If you would like more support at an appointment, you could invite her or another family member, but this should come from you.

Establishing respectful boundaries can be a tough job. But this is the beginning of your life as parents, and you have the right and responsibility to develop good boundaries and good judgment about what you believe is best for you and your child.