Keeping his cancer private

Dear Amy: I’m a 57-yearold man. I was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 prostate cancer.

I am obviously not overjoyed, but I am totally accepting of this. Living with — not dying of — cancer means a few lifestyle changes.

My cancer is not curable but it is treatable.

I have a large circle of family, friends and acquaintances who have been supportive of me during my life.

I have chosen to share my diagnosis with only a few. I know it isn’t going to be well received by most people.

I hate seeing people I care about in pain and/or distressed. Knowing the awareness of my illness will cause this in turn causes me much more pain and distress than the cancer ever will.

These folks would definitely step up and help in whatever way they can.

I know that after I pass and the news of the cancer is known, many of my friends will blame themselves for not noticing “the signs” and feel awful for that as well.

I don’t want people to fawn over me and treat me differently, but I feel guilty about keeping this a secret.

I’m not sure what I’m asking you for, but I’m at a loss about what I should do.

Accepting Diagnosis

Dear Accepting: I’m impressed by your equanimity regarding your diagnosis, but I think you’re also getting a little ahead of yourself.

It is natural to see your future in a telescoped way right now, and you seem to be focused on anticipating not only your ongoing feelings but the feelings and reactions of others.

But people are complicated, and feelings (including yours) change over time.

You should anticipate that the news of your diagnosis could leak out, and if so, people will react across a spectrum: worried, helpful, well-meaning but annoying.

I recommend that you connect with other men with prostate cancer, meeting both in-person (if possible) and virtually. Your treatment center will have information about local groups.

Strangers often step up with great understanding and pointed advice. The American Cancer Society’s cancer survivor network hosts , informative and supportive discussion boards for men with prostate cancer (check csn.cancer.org).

In addition to reviewing your treatment options with other men who are going through this, you can discuss how your diagnosis and prognosis will affect you.

Dear Amy: My wife and I agreed years ago to supplement my father-in-law financially after my wife’s mom passed away. We send him money each month. He has remarried. We continue to support him financially. I am wondering if his second wife has any right to expect support after his death.

I’d like to continue to support him, but his wife is almost my age, and supporting her would be a long-term commitment.

My wife and I are trying to be good people, but we don’t know what to do. Thoughts?

Wondering

Dear Wondering: After your wife’s father dies, you and your wife are no longer related to his widow and thus have no obligation to her. But there are many factors you should consider, including your resources, her resources, your father-inlaw’s estate planning and how you feel about her.

If your father-in-law has a long and lingering illness and his younger wife is devoted to him, you might want to repay her kindness after his death.