Guilt about distance leads to more distance

DEAR AMY » Growing up, I was close friends with a guy in the neighborhood. We remained close friends over the years, but as life happened, we drifted apart. I stayed in the same town, while he moved more than 40 minutes away.

We got together for dinner every couple of months, but that habit faded, too.

After not hearing from him for a long while, he finally called me, and we got together.

He had contracted a neurological disease that runs in his family.

I felt horrible for him, but he waited more than a year to call me.

We had drifted apart by this time, so I understand the gap in contact.

However, I feel some guilt that over the past couple of years I haven’t reached out.

My wife says that both he or his family could also have reached out to me.

He knows that I have been through some rough times.

Should I continue to feel guilty?

— Guilty

DEAR GUILTY » Don’t ask if you “should” feel guilty. You already feel guilty. Your dilemma now is what to do about it.

I have a theory that our guilt is actually a tool whose real purpose is to ratchet — or alter — our behavior. What is your guilt going to teach you?

Your less-rational mind is telling you that if you had been in closer touch, or perhaps been a better friend to him, then maybe the outcome would have been different. At the very least, you would have known about it sooner and perhaps chosen to keep in closer touch.

What you should

NOT do is to blame your friend for not getting in touch with you. He has a lot going on. When he was ready, he did reach out to you.

Some people react poorly when faced with others’ challenging illnesses. They doubledown on their guilt — and run away. Don’t be that guy. Let your guilt lead you toward a better friendship. When you do, you’ll feel better.

DEAR AMY » “Old Veteran” claimed to be a Vietnam Vet who is uncomfortable when people say, “Thank you for your service.”

This man claimed that veterans were spit on, called “baby killer,” etc.

This is a widely known urban myth. I was shocked that you didn’t call him on it.

— Upset

DEAR UPSET » Iwasa child during the Vietnam era and while I can’t verify returning veterans being spit on, I do know that returning soldiers were not always treated well, which is why I believe that civilians now go out of their way to thank members of the military for their service.