Brother’s drinking disrupts tight family

DEAR AMY >> We are a tight-knit small family. We usually spend five to seven days at my parents’ house together at Christmastime every year.

My brother is a heavy drinker with a huge drinking problem. He is condescending, rude, and berates everyone.

In 2019, after years of this behavior, I had had enough and flung some very honest truths at him before packing my bags, leaving, and spending my holidays alone.

It was also the last time I got to see all of my family before the pandemic hit, so it has been doubly hard.

I’m still very hurt by my family, who have watched him behave like this over the years and still allow it to take place.

My mother told me: “It’s just how he is. He treats everyone like that.”

He has never apologized for or acknowledged his behavior.

I have made it clear to my parents that I will not be present at family functions he is invited to.

My boyfriend and I are expecting our first child around Christmas and I want to spend the holidays with my family, but I don’t know what to do.

I can’t subject myself to his outbursts anymore. I have an at-risk pregnancy.

I know it isn’t my place to ask my parents to choose between us. I don’t want him to spend his holidays alone, either. He literally has no one other than us, is prone to depression, and his health is failing because of his drinking.

I’m so conflicted, and so are my parents.

I love him but I just can’t do it anymore for my own physical and mental health.

It is eating me alive thinking about the stress during what should otherwise be a very happy time.

What should I do?

— Holiday Headaches

DEAR HEADACHES >> If your baby is due around Christmas, it might be wisest for you not to bring a newborn into a crowded house for an extended stay. Newborns are extremely portable, but the early days are an ideal time for the parents to hunker down, love on their new child, and adjust to parenthood.

You don’t want to ask your parents to choose between their children, but you have drawn a hard line regarding your brother. This is for your own well-being, and it is vital that you take care of yourself.

Addiction tends to destabilize the entire family structure. This can lead to what feels like a power struggle, as family members sometimes try — and fail — to control the addict’s behavior.

You can expect that the long-standing dynamic in your family will continue. What you can do is keep your distance, while working on releasing your anger and replacing it with compassion.

Plan for a visit with your folks when your baby is around threemonths old.