Aunt triggered by trans teen’s trauma

DEAR AMY >> Last year one of my sister’s children came out to me as trans.

“S” asked to stay with me because of the trauma of being around their mostly conservative and media-illiterate family.

S has been living with my husband and me for a year.

In many ways having S stay with us has been an amazing opportunity for growth, but I continually run afoul of them by talking about commonalities in our experiences.

They make assumptions and rebuff me when I try to communicate about my own experiences.

As someone on my own mental health journey, I find this incredibly hurtful.

I get that I DO NOT understand what it is to be trans, but I do understand various other aspects of trauma, and want to talk about it.

I know I need to be

“the adult” in the situation, but it’s painful when they don’t accept my experiences as valid.

My husband thinks I should ignore my feelings. I have a hard time with confrontation and S flips out if they are ever put in the position of being in the wrong.

My husband and I are prioritizing them over just about everything else.

I’ve found S a therapist, while I am still looking for one myself.

We have invested so much it trying to get S to a stable and healthy place, but interactions often leave me feeling regressed to previous levels of selfdoubt and frustration.

I am trying to treat S the way I would want to be treated.

How do I get through to S that I need to be treated the same?

— Uncertain Aunt

DEAR UNCERTAIN >>

First of all — thank you for being a hero to this young person. What you are doing is huge.

I’m assuming that you don’t have other children/teens in your life, because if you were a more seasoned parent, you would understand that much of what you are experiencing is fairly typical behavior of an older teen.

You are expecting to have a series of rich and rewarding dialogues with “S,” where you relate to them by sharing your own experiences, and where you both benefit from a deep and enlightening relationship.

But a typical 18-year-old mainly wants to narrate their own life. When they talk, they’re monologuing more than dialoguing.

People at this age are at the cusp of emerging fully in the world, and before they go, they want to get their story straight. This helps them settle into their identity, while they’re still safe and taken care of.

This would be especially important to a trans person.

You and your husband should continue to provide a loving, safe and stable home. Listen with patience and compassion, without insisting that S should relate to you on your level.

You two adults should take care of your own relationship and gradually loosen the strings, so S has the experience of emerging with a degree of independence — while still experiencing your home as a safe place where they are loved and accepted.