Affair between neighbors leads to awkward silence

DEAR AMY » Iama 56-year-old woman.

When I was growing up, my father had an affair with “Sarah,” our nextdoor neighbor. This affair lasted for many years. Everyone knew about it — at least everyone in my family knew (my mom, my brother, and myself).

My dad died 17 years ago. Sarah has also died.

My mother is 87, has some dementia, and seems to have forgotten everything about this, which is good.

My question is: At the time, I was very close to “Annie,” Sarah’s daughter.

During all of those years, starting from a very young age, I said nothing to her. Now, I see Annie and her sister’s photos on Facebook, and I have a hankering to contact them to ask if they were aware of this affair.

Their father is still alive.

What would be the point of this? I really don’t know.

It was like the unspoken secret for so many years.

And, if they do not know about this, then why would I want to hurt them by telling them about this sordid history between their mother and my father, right?

I’d appreciate your take on this.

— Conflicted

DEAR CONFLICTED » My reaction to this is — if you don’t know “the point” of an action or reaction, then you should wait until the point makes itself evident.

Another way to think about this is to ask yourself: “What good could come of this?”

Maybe “the good” is you unburdening yourself of knowledge you’ve always held onto as a deep secret. However, doing so, you might upend another family.

I tend to believe that the truth is the truth, and we all might as well know the truth.

However, I also feel strongly that some things just aren’t our business.

Is your parents’ marriage and your father’s consensual relationship your news to share? Do you have the right to dive into your next-door neighbors’ marriage?

You could certainly connect with your childhood friend on Facebook and attempt to re-establish a relationship without spilling the beans to see if Annie makes the first move.

DEAR AMY » Another thank you for devoting a column to the experiences of Vietnam veterans. I served, too, and reading those letters from fellow vets reminded me of everything we’ve been through. It’s been tough.

— Fellow Veteran

DEAR VETERAN » Welcome home.

Email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.