Curated Christmas list leads to white elephants

DEAR AMY >> Every year, I spend time carefully curating a list of Christmas wishes for me, my husband, and our children. I know what we like and need.

In turn, his family gives me their list.

When it's time for presents, my in-laws happily open the gifts for which they asked. They love them!

We open our gifts, and do not receive a single thing from our list. My children receive toys they don't need and clothes I will not let them wear.

Some things are regifted, while others just take up space in my house.

It actually hurts that after 12 years of being part of this family, they still don't know me at all.

We spend a generous amount of money on our family at Christmas, but I'm disappointed and frustrated by their lack of consideration.

Last year, I told my husband that I would only buy gifts for the children of the family going forward; I have not told the in-laws yet.

The downside is that one of the siblings is childless, so they would receive nothing from us.

Should I hold firm and kindly let the family know that children should be the focus of Christmas from here on out, or should I make overt hints to stick to the list and hope for the best, even if I'm disappointed (again)?

— Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED >> Abandon the list. It's not working. It also subverts the idea of Christmas giving.

You might segue to a nonmaterial gift for adults — donating to a charity on their behalf or giving a subscription or membership to a local museum or cultural institution. If you don't want to give any gifts to adults, in place of your list you can state: “I'm trying to cut way back on the overabundance, and so I'm going to only give gifts to the kids. Enjoying our time together is the only gift I want.”

Regardless of how you frame your own wishes, you cannot control what other people give to you.

DEAR AMY >> “Bothered” lived next door to an unsafe daycare provider, whose children wandered into neighbors' front yards and into the street.

Although Bothered was obviously more worried about the kids bothering her dogs than about the children themselves, I appreciated your sense of alarm about this extremely unsafe situation.

I'd hate to have my children at this place.

— Worried

DEAR WORRIED >> “Bothered's” dogs were more closely supervised than these children.