Loving someone with Alzheimer's
Alzheimer's, Lewy body dementia, dementia. They're different words for the same type of disease, but compared to Alzheimer's, dementia is a soft word — both in sound and action. It's more in the category of “old age.” And maybe we are more accepting of things we can attribute to old age.
Looking back, I think my grandmother had what we now call Alzheimer's. She was a smart, well-educated woman. She became forgetful. One day, she went for a walk and forgot her way back home.
My husband, John, died of complications of Alzheimer's. He was a brilliant man. He graduated summa cum laude from Columbia and did graduate work at Berkeley. He was an omnivorous reader, seldom without a book in his hand.
In the car, he tells me I drive much better than his wife. He also says his wife looks much older than me!
One of my favorite photos is of him leaning against a tree reading a book while a large family softball game is being played in the background.
Alzheimer's entered the scene. First there were small things like missing the turnoff for our street or leaving such a large tip that the waiter came running after us to see if it was mistake. It was. And then the big things. He decided that there were five of me: five Jills.
One day, he said to me, “We should take the five Jills to lunch.”
But he said we should make a list and take only the ones we liked. At first I was curious to know what he did or didn't like, then decided maybe it was better not to know. He forgot about the list.
Returning from our favorite restaurant, he said, “I've enjoyed this lunch so much I can't understand why we ever separated.” (We never were, except occasionally because of travel.)
When we got home, he asked if he could borrow $400 to pay back the woman who took him to lunch. Another time he says he's old and he's not sure he wants to marry again. He says he has enjoyed being with me and he hopes I don't mind too much that he's going away for a few days next month with another woman.
In the car, he tells me I drive much better than his wife. He also says his wife looks much older than me!
One night, he decided to sleep in a separate bedroom. I worried about him because he often got up and wandered around, and told him it would be better if he slept with me. But, no, he insisted on sleeping in another bedroom. This happened