Harsh realities, anger and hurt: Asking for forgiveness can lift an emotional load from your shoulders
The three adult sisters left the Intensive Care Unit just moments after their elderly father had passed away. Their distraught faces reflected the pain and anguish of countless tears and untold sleepless nights.
I approached them in my attempt to offer some words of solace and comfort. The oldest one spoke first. “We loved and feared our father; he was a hard man,” she softly whispered. Her sisters nodded in unison. “And yet,” she continued “we had hoped that in his final words he would have asked us to forgive him for all the pain he caused us and our mother.” I was taken aback.
Perhaps one of the most agonizing experiences we will ever have as parents is knowing that we have inflicted pain on our children, intentionally or not, literally or figuratively. The simple truth is that parents sometimes say or do things that may prove very hurtful to their children.
As families settle into the first few months of school, there are the unrelenting pressures associated with erratic school and work schedules, spousal relationships, and financial worries. Add to this the constant bombardment of news bulletins and narratives dealing with violence, hate, and extreme political partisanship. Short tempers or even unbridled anger can erupt. Painfully, some of that anger can be directed at those we love the most.
In life, even our most detailed plans can go awry and buckle under the load of stress. As boxer Mike Tyson coldly noted: “Everyone’s got a plan – until they get punched in the face.”
In truth, such outbursts may only serve to instill fear in those we love the most. Parents have shared with me the confusion, panic, and terror they have seen in their children’s innocent faces after an anger episode. We may say things to our children that could come back to haunt us many years later. Mere words can inflict injury. Indeed, when we’re angry we may make the best speech we will ever regret.
So what’s the point? First and foremost, life has a way of slapping us upside the head and reminding us that we are not always the cool-headed Wonder Woman or Superman that we’d like to be. As simplistic and juvenile as that sounds, some adults do have a propensity for always moving full speed ahead, only to come to a screeching halt once they find themselves in a doctor’s examination room waiting for the medical test results or standing outside a child’s bedroom door trying to find words to apologize and comfort a cowering child crying on the bed. Indeed, some may be forced to consider outside help and emotional support from a doctor, a mental health professional, or a faith-based mentor.
Second, we must remember that our children have long memories, as witnessed by the three sisters referenced earlier. Acknowledging a past hurt(s) and asking for forgiveness goes a long way to building healthy family relationships. It is not a sign of weakness. Acknowledging a past wrong or hurt and then asking for forgiveness is one of the most effective ways of healing the spirit, for both parents and children. It does not diminish parenthood, but enhances it.
The act of asking for forgiveness from those we love lifts an emotional load off our hearts and brings our children closer to us. It also allows us to forgive ourselves for being human and imperfect. Yuba County Superintendent of Schools