Grandpa feels hurt when daughter, family decide to move
CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: We have a very close family, which is great. Our daughter and her husband have two young daughters and built a house right behind our house. They have lived there for six years, since before their girls were born.
The house is on a sixlane highway and now they want to move. I completely understand this. They have found a house on a lovely, quiet street where many of their friends live with children their girls’ ages.
My husband cannot or will not see why they would want to move away from us. He does not see the positives for them and thinks it would be a huge mistake. I don’t think it is a mistake, but even if it is, it is theirs to make.
I’m afraid he will be so hurt and disappointed that he will cause a rift in our family. Yes, I know he is being sel ish and controlling, but what do you suggest to lessen his reaction?
— Close
As so many of us do without realizing it, your husband probably mounted this “sel ish and controlling” reaction — as in, anger — to cover the feelings he’d rather not feel. Pain of loss, fear of being forgotten, discomfort with change and its pesky subtexts: the passage of time, irrelevance, death.
So please don’t let his arguments distract you, and don’t counter them with your (valid) points about the bene its of quiet streets or this couple’s prerogative to decide for themselves.
Instead, address the pain directly. Address the fear and discomfort. Identify with him, with compassion.
“I know how much you’ll miss them.”
“I’m sad about this, too.” “They’re rejecting a busy street, not rejecting us.”
Say these in response to his objection, even, regardless of whether they make sense.
If he’s still too angry, stubborn or scared to cooperate, then remain calmly supportive of this couple.
Dear Carolyn: I have a colleague who’s fairly new to the of ice, and I’m struggling to ind ways to continue being polite to him.
The guy has the unfailing ability to turn any conversation into an excruciating monologue. The Talker walks into my of ice, ignoring that I’m working, and launches into endless stories.
The Talker isn’t a bad guy. Just a really inattentive guy. I’d like to ind a way to shush him without hurting his feelings. — Talked to Death in Baltimore
When dealing with people who can’t read subtle cues, be progressively less subtle — though never less kind — until you hit the point where he gets it. Or just cut straight to: “I have work to do so I’m escorting you out of my of ice — perhaps another time for your story,” as you stand by the door until he goes out, closing it behind him. (Substitute earbuds for door in the cubicle version.)