She’s struggling but she doesn’t want to be Debbie Downer

Dear Carolyn: I’m a 47-year-old woman, formerly very successful, currently not. My situation is a result of poor choices and bad luck. I’m slowly working my way out.

The issue: Almost all my dear friendships are relationships formed before and during the height of my success. All of them have gone on to reap the reward of their hard work: amazing houses, cars, trips, etc. I don’t know what to say when they ask me how I am.

I’m obviously quite down about my situation, which includes difficulty finding a job — a factor of burning bridges in my previous profession, the pandemic and age. When they ask how I am doing, with their tone suggesting they want to hear the truth, I’ve tried responding (cheerily), “Nothing new to report!” or “Slowly righting the ship,” or “Oh, you know, onward and upward, continuing to look for a job.” Each answer feels borderline rude or dismissive.

My friends know I’ve struggled with serious depression in the past. I know their questions are well-meaning. But I have nothing new to report and just don’t want to be the Debbie Downer who can’t contribute to the conversations about the next car people are going to buy. I also don’t want my friends to walk on eggshells about anything that costs money.

So what is a good, positive, move-along way of participating in conversations with people I love but with whom I no longer have anything in common?

— MM MM: Find things to do with your time, to engage you, that don’t involve money and shopping, then talk about them. If your friends can’t hold up their end of conversations that aren’t about money and shopping, then start the process of making new friends who can.

I’m both extremely sympathetic and dead serious.

Small things, distracting things, creative things, generous-with-your-time things, inexpensive things, things that allow you to express yourself fully as a human despite your current limitations. Or, because of, since limits are the sand to our oyster.

Then, when asked, talk about these things you’ve added to your life. “I’ve started _____.” Painting, hiking, dancing, writing poetry. Whatever. “I’ve surprised myself by how _____ I am at it. Have you ever tried _____?”

Even when you know they’re asking specifically about your situation, steer the answer anyway to this new subject, whatever it is.

I can’t help but think you will all be relieved when your account balances stop coming to parties with you.

No matter how common it is for things to go awry and for people to have to start over, shame still comes along for that ride sometimes. All you can do is see that, see how unproductive it is and tell yourself to release it.

If by feeling “quite down” you mean it’s possible you’re depressed, then please get a full health evaluation.