Mother’s comments to bride about her weight are extremely toxic
Dear Carolyn: Three months ago I got engaged. My fiance is wonderful, we’re both thrilled and excited, and our families are, too. My mom is very excited to talk about wedding stuff, but she has a tendency to be kind of pushy and stubborn when she gets something in her head.
She has now decided I should want to lose weight for my wedding. The other day, she made a comment about how I should start dieting now to “look good for my wedding.” I thought it was kind of an offhand comment, but when I expressed to her that it was a stupid thing to say, she doubled down, saying I need to be a size 10, or even better a size 8 — which I’ve never been in my life — for my wedding. I’m currently a size 14. She says if I don’t lose weight, I won’t find a wonderful wedding dress.
My body image has been a big problem for me for most of my life. I developed issues as a chubby kid, and struggled with an eating disorder in my teens, until I sought professional help in college. I have been in recovery since then, but I still have a not-great relationship with food. And I did gain some weight this year, and am working on losing it through healthy eating and exercise, but the idea of a “diet” is toxic for me.
Both my parents and my fiance are well aware of this, or they should be. My mom feels that since
I’ve been in recovery for 11 years and I never binge or purge anymore, it’s OK to push on this. I have asked her literally six times to drop the idea of me being a specific size for my wedding, but she will not. What’s my next step?
— Not Dieting
Not Dieting: “If you mention my weight again, then you will not hear one more word about my wedding.”
Then stick to it and plan your wedding without her if she forces you to.
Your history promotes your mom’s behavior from obnoxious to monstrous. Don’t so much as respond when she mentions your weight. Ever. Hang up or leave the room. Some ultimatums are necessary and justified.
Congrats on your engagement, and I’m sorry your mother never got the help you did. She so needs it.