‘Bad cop’ mom feels ‘good cop’ dad doesn’t have her back

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have two teenage boys. My husband’s father was not very involved when he was a teen, mine was pretty strict. (Now I understand why.) This has resulted in me being the “bad cop” while my husband gets to be the “good cop.” One of our kids is very headstrong, and my having to serve as the enforcer of rules has negatively affected our relationship.

I thought I’d made my peace with this because I’d rather raise a successful adult (able to clean up after himself and considerate of others) than be pals with my teenage son, but I’m beginning to resent my husband as well, because I don’t feel like he has my back. For example, our son does not clean up his room after promising to do so. I take the keys to his car for the day. Son spends more time arguing about the unfairness than it would take to clean his room.

Husband tells me he agrees there should be consequences, but taking car keys for the day is too much — then does not offer up alternatives.

I’ve asked my husband to have my back and he says he will, but when the stuff hits the fan, he reverts to his “Whatever I have to do to stop the arguing” mode.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: Why are you treating your/your father’s strictness as the only legitimate approach? Isn’t it possible “good cops” get some things right?

There are many shades of parenting between hands-off and strict, “pals” and adversaries.

I absolutely share your definition of a successful adult. I also agree it’s important for co-parents to back each other.

But your emphasis on enforcement over autonomy is undermining both outcomes now.

If you’re worried you’ll be to blame if your son becomes an inconsiderate adult, then stop — you’ve made your values and expectations clear to him for umpteen years. He’s gotten your message as well as he’s going to.

So start trusting him to finish the job of making those values his own.

Or not, if that’s what he chooses. He’s your son, not your sonbot.

As you await those results, you can still be an effective parent. You can negotiate hard with your husband to replace good/ bad coppery with consensus. And concessions.

You can agree your son’s room is his jurisdiction (barring extremes, like vermin or contraband), and hold your lines on common spaces. Sure, Son can have the keys ... after he does his dishes.

Authoritarian parents often get the spotless rooms they demand — the nanosecond their children achieve escape velocity and rarely come home again.

You’d address both of your problems at once, with husband and son, by letting your son take adulthood for a spin in all areas of his life where the consequences of failure are relatively minor.