IS MIAMI THE NEXT SILICON VALLEY?
The tech bros say they are weary of California and want to move to Miami.
But do they have what it takes to survive the chaos of The Magic City? We think not.
Some locals are extremely eager for Miami to become the new Silicon Valley. By “locals” we mean Miami Mayor Francis Suarez, who is so excited about these Patagonia-clad escapees you’d think they were the last ream of plywood at Home Depot during a tropical storm watch.
Others fear that an influx of backpack-wearing venture capital disciples will do what it does everywhere: raise housing costs astronomically, increase the selfabsorption factor in the region and generally make life miserable for everybody else.
All we know is, the tech industry folks have no idea what they’re in for if they move to Miami. Because Miami is not Silicon Valley. We don’t have robots; we have fist-sized insects. We don’t nurture incubators; we fight toilet iguanas. We didn’t spend our youth getting in touch with our spirituality via MDMA at Burning Man. We spent it mainlining S’mores-covered bacon on a stick at Santa’s Enchanted Forest as we gazed up at the giant Christmas tree that plays Pitbull songs. And that changes you.
We have gone on record as wishing people would stop moving to Miami during the CO
VID-19 pandemic. And we stand by that statement. But in a gesture of hospitality — which, dear tech bros, is not something you should get used to around here — we present a list of what you need to know before you buy that overpriced Brickell condo or Wynwood loft.
SUMMERS ARE WORSE
THAN YOU THINK
People will brag that Miami has great weather year-round. It does not. It is a fetid hellswamp much of the year. You will die if you try to wear your favorite fleece in any month that’s not December, January or February, and even then, it’s iffy. Summer lasts from mid-March through November so the best you can do is invest in shorts. They will go well with that free T-shirt you got at your last TED conference.
RAIN IS REAL
Because you have lived so long in a state that’s usually on fire, you may not be aware that wet stuff falls out of the sky from time to time. This is “rain.” You will see a lot of this in Florida. Like, a LOT. On the bright side, nobody in Miami knows how to drive in it, either, so don’t be surprised when an 18-year-old uninsured Toyota with an “I AM MDC” sticker slams into the back of your Tesla.
FLOODS ARE FREQUENT
This is what happens when a lot of “rain” falls, because Miami is technically 4,000 miles below sea level [note: this number may be made up]. If a lot of “rain” falls during a king tide — so named for the fact that king tides are a royal pain — most Miami streets are passable only via paddle board or kayak. Buy that condo on a high floor is all we are saying.
HURRICANE PARTIES
AREN’T A THING
Nobody has hurricane parties anymore. What everyone does now, after fighting to the death for the last gallon of water at Costco, is jump into their cars and attempt to drive north, turning both highways out of South Florida into an unmoving metal sea of the damned. Note: those drivers won’t be insured, either.
OUTDOOR LIFE IS DIFFERENT HERE
We do not hike in Miami. We either go to the beach and bake in the sun or jump in a friend’s boat and ride to the sandbar, then drink our brains out every weekend. We try not to go in the actual water because being in close proximity to fecal bacteria is a buzzkill. Your mileage may vary, of course.
BRACE YOURSELF FOR WILDLIFE ENCOUNTERS
You don’t have to travel to the Everglades to witness Miami wildlife, which includes but is not limited to poison toads, incontinent iguanas, squawking peacocks, rabid raccoons, flying Palmetto bugs and pythons longer than the roller coasters at Great America. Gators roam our malls, our lizards eat butterflies and the ducks in Kendall have been
known to gank stray cats.
DRIVING IS NOT
FOR THE WEAK
We know many of you commuted to Silicon Valley from, like, Oregon, so driving great distances is not a problem for you. You’ve got your Rocket podcast ready to go. However, aside from the occasional rogue logging truck, West Coast drivers cannot approach the sheer nihilism witnessed daily on Miami roads. We don’t merely text while driving. We text, put on mascara, eat tacos, play guitar, fight to lower our Xfinity bill, smoke fish and floss our teeth while driving.
DON’T ASK FOR A CAFECITO WITH NO SUGAR
We know, you’re on some keto gluten free no sugar no anything good-tasting California diet, but this is Miami and a cafecito requires sugar. Get used to it.
PRETEND TO LOVE MANGOES
We don’t care what kind of weird cleanse you are on. In Miami you are required to gush on and on about mangoes, which, we realize, are disgusting and manage to be slimy and veiny and fibery all at the same time. But this doesn’t matter. Unless you want to be shunned by your neighbors, on social media and at your nearest ventanita, praise this trash fruit at all times. This rule goes double for Publix subs and Pollo Tropical.