How do you tell the difference between bad behavior and abuse?

Dear Carolyn: How do you decide when someone has crossed the line from being badly behaved — unkind, angry, etc. — to being abusive? I guess another way of asking is, when is it time to stop seeking therapy and seek a restraining order instead?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: Bad behavior — “unkind, angry, etc.” — from an intimate partner is abuse — unless you’re talking about extremely rare occasions with a clear explanation, like depression or other mental illness, and/or significant external stressors, and followed by an immediate acceptance of responsibility for crossing that line.

Also, when you’re dealing with someone who is frequently mean to or angry with you, the answer isn’t couples counseling. (I’m assuming that’s what you’ve referred to.) It’s either just leaving the relationship on that basis alone, or going into solo counseling to sort out the reasons you feel you can’t leave someone who mistreats you so often.

And finally, if you’re asking about a restraining order, then it’s time to go — but with extreme caution and with the guidance and, if needed, protection of experts.

Start here if you don’t have something lined up yet: the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800799-SAFE, and thehotline. org; or the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, or RAINN, 800-656-HOPE, and rainn.org. That’s because perpetrators of “unkind, angry” behavior often escalate when they realize they’re losing control of their relationship.

MOSAIC threat assessment, mosaicmethod.com, from Gavin de Becker’s organization, author of “The Gift of Fear,” can help you gauge your risk.

Take good care of yourself, please. Make those calls.

And in general, hold this in mind, especially if it’s something you weren’t taught to believe: The people who deserve your (personal) time are the ones who, consistently, behave as if they’re grateful to have it.