Thanks to the pandemic, we’re in a ‘friendship recession.’ How to reconnect with friends
Several days ago, my high school bestie and her husband drove two hours south from their vacation rental on a bucolic Florida island to meet me halfway for a Sunday of hearty laughs and sweet reminiscences. Though we text and call throughout the year, we hadn’t seen each other in nearly 10 years, and it was well worth the effort.
What a pleasure it is to reunite with people who knew you before you became you, people with whom you share a history, people who need no explanation about your habits and foibles. How can anyone go through life without this companionship?
‘FRIENDSHIP RECESSION’
Seems more people than I would’ve ever guessed do. A day after our meet-up, I read a publicist’s email offering an interview with an expert on “the friendship recession.” Yup, you read right.
While there’s much discussion among economists about whether or not we are entering an economic recession, there is no corresponding disagreement among relationship experts. More Americans are spending time alone, more have fewer friends, and more devote less time to nurturing the smaller number of friendships they do have.
Though I’ve written about the importance of friendship before and celebrated its salutary effects on my sometimes heavy heart, I keep getting shocked by the reality of the friendless. This is an exaggeration, right? Clickbait to get media attention, yes? No one can endure troubles and travails without a buddy, a pal, an amigo. I know I couldn’t.
Then a local friend set me straight. She, too, was meeting with an old friend, but under very different circumstances. At the end of this month, she plans to fly crosscountry to California to spend a long weekend helping someone from her hometown after openheart surgery. Seems this poor person has no one else close enough in distance or connection to care for him in his time of need.
How sad. But also how very generous of my buddy.
Experts say this friendship recession reflects a general trend to social isolation. We’re not joining civic clubs or attending houses of worship in the way of previous generations. We’re not socializing as much and we’re not having as much sex either. (A fact, look it up.) In contrast, we’re working at home more, shopping and exercising alone more, and spending more of our free time online and in solitary pursuits.
It’s no coincidence, these experts add, that there has been a rise in mental illness and what healthcare pros call “diseases of despair,” including suicides, drug overdoses and alcoholic liver disease. We are wired for connection, after all, and when there are too few outlets or extension cords, the consequences are inevitable.
It seems pathetically ironic that in a world increasingly interconnected by technology, where the ability to reach out is as easy as a simple click, we are nevertheless lonelier than ever. That’s because FaceTime and Facebook, chat rooms and Zoom can never take the place of human touch. They’re poor substitutes that leave us hungry for flesh-pressing face-to-face encounters. COVID-19 lockdowns certainly taught me that.
Blaming the relationship recession on our devices is the easy way out, however. Truth is, friendships require energy, which can be in short supply after a long day of wrangling various responsibilities. A friendship doesn’t just happen nor does it thrive miraculously, like an air plant in the desert. It ebbs and flows, depending on circumstances.
There’s no Federal Reserve Bank to stabilize the friendship slump, but a few things can work wonders. You have to put in the time. You have to put in the effort. You have to be vigilant. You have to defy obstacles and distance.
Sometimes we may not realize a friend has faded from our lives until we get a call about a sudden death or terminal illness. So, don’t wait. Pick up the phone. Bang out the text. Send the email. I can tell you, from personal experience, that regret tastes awfully bitter.
Ana Veciana-Suarez writes about family and social issues. Email her at avecianasuarez@gmail.com or visit her website anavecianasuarez.com. Follow @AnaVeciana.