For her first time, is it OK not to say she’s a virgin?

CAROLYN HAX

I am a 19-year-old freshman in college. I have decided to lose my virginity soon, obviously in a safe way while using protection. Is it OK to not tell the guy I’m a virgin? It’s come up before and it seems to bother guys. I also hate the idea of someone knowing they were my first; I (irrationally, I know) feel like it gives them power over me. I sort of want to get this over with in a sort of one-nightstand kind of way.

You don’t have to tell. You don’t have to “get this over with,” either.

In a way, both waiting and one-night-standing it give your virginity more power than you seem to want it to have. Both make it into a Thing.

If instead you just go about your life and it happens when it happens, then I think it’ll occupy a more comfortable place in your psyche. Just a hunch.

If you ignore me, though, pick someone trustworthy.

I think you should tell. The first time just often feels weird or even hurts. If you’re not enjoying yourself, that’s going to cause the guy to be confused/ concerned/insulted, and it seems better to let them know going into it.

Thanks for the counterpoint.

If you think 19 is way too old, I promise you most of us showed up at college as virgins, and believe it or not a lot of us even left that way. Honestly, sex is a big deal; virginity isn’t.

Interesting way to put it. Thinking about it . . . yep, I agree. Thanks.

Your idea makes total sense to me. But consider choosing someone who cares about you, not a random hookup. I was 20, a junior, and wanted to get the first time out of the way. I didn’t believe the nice guy I chose was going to be a long-term relationship, but I knew him well enough to believe he was going to be sensitive and kind about my inexperience. And not brag to his friends.

Thanks. Another thing to consider — the hookup might be temporary but the memory will be permanent. I say this not to reinvest virginity with significance we just declared wasn’t there, but instead to place it in the context of all choices we have to live with.

Sex is not that big a deal. I mean, OK, yes, it can be, but we are so screwed up over sex in the U.S. It is just a natural thing that, yes, women can and should enjoy, too. The more we freight it with nonsense, while simultaneously not teaching children how their bodies work, the more we have unplanned pregnancies and unfulfilling sex lives. When it feels natural, just do it, protected.

Valid points, thanks. I still think sex is a big deal, but not for most of the reasons our culture dwells on it (or hoots at it). If that makes sense. Intimacy is a big deal. Owning our bodies and our experiences is a big deal. Sexuality is a big deal.

“When it feels natural” is actually a deceptively high standard, in a good way.