Mom in troubled relationship has started to take out stress on child

Dear Carolyn: My irst marriage ended, a spectacular shock to me, when I was 34.

Today I’m with a solid guy I love, we have a 4-year-old. It’s not perfect, but it’s my family and I would do anything to protect it. But I see it happening again. The connection is fraying, the conversations are fraught. We both seem to have more anger and resentment with one another than love.

And we are SO. DAMN. TIRED. There is no fun or joy. I don’t even know if I am an actual person anymore. I am ANGRY all the time. Even at my little guy. I ind myself being more physically rough than I intend to and I hate myself for it.

We’re not going anywhere, both of us are too loyal and scarred from our irst divorces and love our little guy too much. But I now see that it’s possible for a marriage to end/die even when you are still in it. Help. — Marriage Falling

Apart (V2.0)

Please get some help immediately, before you harm your child. Talk to your son’s pediatrician about resources for managing your stress and improving your parenting and communication. Like, call right now. Part of any good pediatric practice is supporting stressed-out parents. The hotline for Childhelp, 1 800 4 A CHILD, is another resource.

Because the health of the child is inextricable from the health of the family, seeking crisis support through child-centric resources is the most direct route to addressing the most areas of concern at once. There’s no shame in asking for help.

Once you have an immediate source support in place, talk to your own doctor about getting screened for depression.

As for your marriage and the sense it’s slipping away: I recommend trusting that you can be frayed, fraught, frazzled, all of it, and still ultimately be ine. As long as the sources of stress are being addressed, it’s OK to trust in the short term that your marriage will improve as your individual circumstances improve.

With that trust as your foundation, and when you’re ready, look for ways to make room in your family life for all of you to get some air.