Spouse is in search of a sympathetic ear after husband loses his job
Dear Carolyn: This week, my husband lost his job. I make enough to cover the bills while he’s out of work, he has a few really solid leads on other opportunities, and our overhead is low. Basically, I can reason through it that we’re going to be fine, but this is really scary and stressful. He was a star employee and fired for a stupid mistake that none of his colleagues even realized was a fireable offense. It really killed him to be let go because he loved his job.
I just can’t talk to anyone about all the fear and uncertainty I’m feeling. I can’t stand people’s pity and I’m baffled by the judgments people can extrapolate from any crack in my bravest, this-is-fine face. If I am anything but positive and confident, I’m flooded with pity, unhelpful advice and platitudes.
For instance, my parents and in-laws were screeching that we can’t pay rent next week, which we absolutely can, but now I can’t express fear to them because I’m calming down. I told my sister I was upset that he’d made a boneheaded mistake and then hear from my brother that we’re on the brink of divorce, which is absurd.
If I want people to treat me normally, it feels like my only option is to cheerfully tell people we’re absolutely a-OK!
My husband is really the only one I can be honest with, but he feels responsible because it’s his fault I’m feeling that and that kills him. I’m exhausted and I’m not sure how to help myself.
— Exhausted
Exhausted: It’s really hard when you’re looking for help and wind up with an even bigger emotional workload dealing with the stress of your would-be helpers. Some people you just have to write off, as you have, as not worth the trouble of confiding in.
But some, please at least try to “train.” Spell out the problem, kindly: “I know you mean well, but right now getting advice/suggestions/warnings just means more emotional work for me. What I could really use is a sympathetic ear.” Or, as you said so well: “We’re going to be fine, but this is still really scary and stressful.”
If you can swing it financially, a good therapist can be where you unload without hassle.