Should I marry a man who completely lacks problem-solving skills?
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend is the sweetest man but completely lacks problem-solving or criticalthinking skill, and I’m worried about the future if I stay with him long-term.
Just the most recent examples: I was trimming some vines and when he offered to help, I asked him to get the ladder from the backyard. He came back without it and said the gate was stuck. When I asked why he didn’t just go through the house to get it, he literally hadn’t thought of that. If our list says “gala apples” and the store is out of them, he’ll come home without apples before he’ll think to buy another kind of apple, let alone another kind of fruit. Even though the fruit is for him and he likes all kinds and has a piece every morning. The day he locked his keys in his car, I was at a friend’s house 10 minutes away but it never occurred to him to call me or AAA. He just waited for me to come home — three hours later. And even though he’s taken public transportation in our city all of his life, if there’s a problem with one bus line, he cannot look at a transit map and figure out an alternate route.
We have been discussing marriage, and I wonder what kind of father and life partner he’ll make, but I’ve also never been with a kinder, more loving, generous man. What should I do?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: You already know “what kind of ... partner he’ll make.” He will be loving, and he won’t just walk right by you hard at work without offering help, which a depressing number of people do. But he will have limits that create other work for you.
Is that a problem for you? Will it become one over time, just from fatigue at problem-solving for two? Will adding a child be too much?
This is stuff you need to think about, without flinching.
The most important thing you can do:
For anyone, choosing a partner involves both prioritizing X trait or quality, and understanding what it means to do without Y. That’s ultimately about you. For some people, marrying kindness and generosity at pronounced pragmatic cost would be an easy “yes,” and for others it would be a painful but necessary “no.”