My mom won’t stop pushing me to have a baby every time we talk

Hi, Carolyn: My husband and I are in our 30s and weighing whether to have a child, well aware of the greater challenges the longer we wait.

My mother can’t seem to stop bringing up the topic frequently. She asks if we’re trying, reminds me how age will make things harder, and giving advice around meeting with doctors, fertility experts, etc.

From asking her politely to stop inquiring, telling her it’s between me and my husband, to getting downright angry with her, I’m at a loss for what to do now. I don’t want to cut off contact, but she doesn’t respect my boundaries. I’ve even tried just staying silent, but that hasn’t deterred her.

She thinks she has the right to know. Perhaps because we’re from a culture where everything is openly shared. Or perhaps she had that sort of relationship with her mother where she discussed everything. I don’t have that deep emotional attachment with her, though I don’t think she knows that.

I don’t think she has the right to know about my family plans ... but am I wrong? Too harsh?

— Unsure

Unsure: There’s just no part of this that is your mother’s place to decide.

But I don’t think this information will help you, except as validation. Being right won’t fix it.

Instead, let’s look at your approach: You are on the defensive, trying to stop her.

So start thinking about what want, and do that. Do you want to see your mother? Yes/no. Do you want to answer her questions? Yes/no. Do you want to attach any consequences to behaviors of hers that you find obnoxious? Yes/ no. Instead of resenting her power over you, see how you’ve bowed to it — then summon and use your own power.

You have the power to set a hard boundary: “I am through discussing this. I will hang up/walk away/ leave when you raise it.” Calmly follow through.

You have the power (calmly!!) to play rhetorical offense: “What do you hope to accomplish by asking that?” “Has telling me this helped you?” “This pushes me away. Is it worth it?”

You have the power to change your goal. You can’t stop her prying, but you can stop your reacting to it.