Red flags around son-in-law who drinks his way through vacations

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have owned a cabin since our children were small, and we have entertained their friends and had wonderful family times there. Now adults with children of their own, they love coming to the cabin still, and all three generations value the family time we have there.

One of our sons-in-law enjoys going over to the neighbors’ and drinking with them for hours. That is not what we had in mind for our “family cabin” and I resent him doing this. My husband does not want me to say anything to him, as my husband is a peacekeeper. My husband and our daughter ski together early every morning and it is the highlight of my husband’s summer to be able to do that with our daughter. Saying something to the son-in-law may jeopardize that.

Our daughter joins her husband at the neighbors at times, but is usually tending to their children while he is off doing his thing. What is your opinion of this situation?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: My opinion is that your daughter either has or might soon have a significant problem to face, if her husband’s drinking hops the boundaries of a few sessions at the cabin.

And if that’s true, then she will need the security of her parents’ customs more than ever.

Assuming no larger alcohol issue, you present a clear side-by-side comparison of the possible costs of your options, which I hope you have the strength to evaluate with everyone’s needs in mind:

You can address both peril and priorities in one gesture — you can master your own feelings, and

you and your daughter have this kind of intimacy — by asking her whether this is problem drinking or just a cabin release.

Big ifs. You need to be ready to take no and yes for an answer, since both come with burdens. You need to be ready for her to bristle at the intrusion, which is why the emotional groundwork is so important. It needs to be credible that you’re not judging and will defer to her on this.

If you can’t pull that off — I’m not judging here, either — then butting out is your best option. It’s your cabin but it’s her marriage.